Below dirt

*Again I am only writing and posting this in hopes it might help someone else, I am NOT doing it for attention or sympathy.*

"Tell me what's going on" "How can I help you?" "What's bothering you right now" "What are you feeling".

Above are just some of the questions I constantly get asked from my small support group.  They're not bad questions and I definitely need them asked because it keeps my mind in the moment along with most of the time working my way out of an intense emotional episode that I may be having.  However, just as they are very good...they are also very exhausting and at times frustrating.  I don't always know how to explain those questions.  I either don't know what's going on myself, I don't have the right words, or I'm too scared to say anything.  See I have a very strong tendency to shut down when those questions get asked because in the past if I answered honestly the situation would escalate either into anger directed towards me or the other end of hysterics that would end in guilt.  So what did I learn to do?  Immediately shut down, stop feeling, and answer with short one or two word answers to get the attention off of me.  Eventually-as an adult- that's just how I learned to go throughout the day...staying quiet, keeping emotions at bay and basically just go through the motions of the day.  In fact to this day I still do this.  At night though when it's quiet and I'm able to be alone with my thoughts that's when I'm able to figure things out.  Unfortunately it's when those I'm comfortable talking to are in bed asleep so I'm left with my mind spinning and most of the time I can't get control of it and it spirals to intensifying my depression and anxiety along with the urge to self harm.  I tell myself to talk about it the next day but I always forget what I wanted to say or how I wanted to say it and if I work up the courage to talk I always panic and immediately shut down.  This is a vicious  never ending cycle that I can't seem to break...and it's slowly breaking me.

I'm trying really hard to not isolate myself again.  To at least keep myself open to those around me that I'm learning to trust.  With the cycle I explained above though the tendency and want to isolate and go back into my "hole" grows with each cycle completion.  It's frustrating not only for me but also for my support system I'm sure and I feel so back about that.  To top it off the fact that I haven't been able to get better at communicating what I'm feeling and what I need is grinding my self worth/confidence further into the ground.

See, how I see myself is lower than dirt.  I don't feel worth a damn thing or anyones time.  Besides being scared to talk and express myself I also feel like I don't deserve to say anything because let's face it my life is good.  I have what I need, kids, a husband who loves and provides for us, and even a family that has taken us in.  And even though I see all of those things as really good and great things I still feel like I don't deserve them.  I'm told and reassured constantly that I do deserve being part of a family, loved, and deserve help, etc. but I can't get myself to feel it or believe it.  I know it sounds crazy but having grown up in such a negative environment where there was rarely any happiness, every worse case scenario was always expected no matter what it was, the house always dark, and everything honestly felt cold/sad/angry/etc. that I never learned to look for the bright side or what not in challenging times or to enjoy the good times.  Also growing up in that kind of environment doesn't help with self worth or confidence.  No matter what I did it couldn't bring warmth and happiness into that house or love to me that I desperately needed and wanted.  So as the years went on I became like my old parents.  Quiet and kept to myself at home but causing trouble where I could outside of the home along with becoming more angry, bitter, depressed, anxious, and overall feeling like I would never be worth a damn thing in this life.

Fortunately Duke came along and gave me something happy in life along with our kids but still I don't feel I'm worth anything, I don't have any confidence to go out and excel in anything, I'm still quite angry and bitter, obviously anxious and depressed, and quiet all around now.  I've learned to just accept compliments with a thank you and move on...they bounce right off of me.  I've learned to just agree with someone when they tell me that I am worthy of help, love, and what not because that's the fastest way to get off of the subject and onto something else.  It's literally something I do naturally and I haven't been able to stop it or slow it down...if anything as of late that feeling of unworthiness and that I don't deserve anything has gotten stronger.

Its gotten stronger because I can't pretend anymore.  I had this mask of what I was expected to be and since I went into BHC last year my mask got ripped off and it exposed what I am behind it.  It's embarrassing and I don't like not being able to hide behind something.  I feel unworthy of love/time/or anything because I had a mother who couldn't give me love and left me feeling like I'm a mistake and could never have/deserve that love that only can come from a mother.  Today that has grown into I can't ever have/deserve any kind of motherly love that comes from another woman...despite me now having someone in my life now that I really do view as my mom but I can't get close to because I feel like I don't deserve a mom or the love and other things that come with having a mom.  I also feel unworthy and such because I had a dad who became distant/closed off when we were once so close.  Today, even though I have someone who I call and view as my dad I, once again, don't feel like I deserve a dad and all the love and wonderful things that come with having a dad.  Goes for fitting in as a sibling too.  My entire life I felt like I was the outcast of all of them because I was so much younger and grew up in the country...along with other things that happened I felt like the black sheep of them all and never had a sibling connection with any of them.  Now I have the chance to make those kinds of connections but I don't deserve/not worthy of it.

Now I'm sure you're asking "well why do you feel unworthy or like you deserve this Carrie?".  Well it's because when you don't get the love and acceptance from the family that you're born into (or adopted into as a child/infant/teen) then the belief/conclusion that you reach about yourself is that you're unworthy and don't deserve the things from a family that are good and needed.  That belief becomes very deep set and can cause havoc on not only trying to fit in with a family and trying to develop relationships with all of them but also can cause confidence issues with going for things (jobs, hobbies, etc.) and some days wondering if you're even worthy of living or staying around.  Now this is what happened to me personally and how I personally feel...I know it's not the same for everyone and that there are strong awesome people who have overcome challenges like this and that I'm not the only one in the world that feels like this.  But right now, in this present time this is how I feel...I feel like I'm not worthy or deserving of love from a mom/dad/siblings, I feel like I'm not good enough to go out and make something of myself, I feel like I don't deserve to be a mom and that there are much better moms out there that my children deserve more than me, and I feel like I'm worthless as a wife to Duke...I know he loves me and I love him but I currently I am a mess and I feel guilty and horrible that he's married to it.

I don't know how to fix my feelings of unworthiness, being a mistake, not deserving of what I have and such...all I know is I that I feel it and I have a hard time saying how I feel...so I apologize if this post doesn't make any sense but I got it out the best I could.