Getting through the fog of depression

Being a mom these days comes with all sorts of challenges and pressures that weren't seen by our parents and grandparents.  It can be hard for them to relate to us as mothers to know what we're going through.  We think that we need to have perfect children, always be a happy grateful mother, get back into shape as soon as the baby is born and the list goes on.  It can put a lot on a mom....especially a new mom.

I have always struggled with depression from about 12 and on and it wasn't until after my second child was born that I actually did something about it.  I wish I would have done something about it long before because I did try and take my life in high school and the deep pit of despair that I was in is something that I don't wish upon even my worst enemies.  I remember feeling so alone and having no one to talk to because in my family you don't talk about your problems, you deal with them on your own.  It's just how it was done in our home.  This made me feel isolated and I didn't deal with it the best way.  Even to this day I struggle letting people know about how I'm feeling because I just think that they don't want to hear about it and need one more person to worry about, plus everyone has their own problems to worry about as well so I just keep everything inside.  Problem with that though it does eventually spill out and I sometimes take it out on my husband or children, and they in no way deserve that and it is something that I am working on.

I remember my lowest point that I reached was after my second child, Kenna, was born.  Little did I know that post pardum depression set in and it set in hard and fast.  If it wasn't for my husband loving me enough to push me to the doctor I wouldn't have sought help, I would have toughed it out like I did after my first child, McKaty, was born.  I felt like I wasn't good enough to be the mother of these 2 beautiful little girls, there was constant noise in my head and I couldn't get my thoughts together to make a day go smoothly.  I would seriously sit and cry all day until Duke got home when I would pull myself together and put on an act like everything was fine.  There were huge meltdowns at my kids that resulted in some holes in the walls because I just couldn't take how I was feeling anymore.  I didn't want to go outside or be around people, all I wanted to do was lay in bed by myself for the rest of my life.  I even thought about leaving because I knew that my little family would be happier without me.  I honestly felt like I was in a crowded room screaming but nobody cared and went about their business and lives.

Then I finally went to the doctor and got put on some anti depressants.  The first couple of days were pretty interesting as the meds took effect but I slowly started to feel a little better again.  I started to enjoy my children again, wanted to get outside with my animals, be around people, start exercising again and etc.  I felt a little guilty about taking anti depressants instead of just toughing it out but I am so glad that I did and looking back there's nothing to be ashamed about.  I won't lie though I was pretty happy when I was finally able to get off of them about a year after I went on them.

What I took away from that experience though was I knew what to look for the next time around.  In fact a month before Carson was born I started taking anti-depressants so that I wouldn't crash so hard again and this post-pardum has been a lot better.  I do still have some pretty down days and I still feel quite alone and I still have a hard time talking about how I am feeling.  However, instead of taking it out on my family I take it out in my workout or I try and share how I am feeling either through a blog post or another outlet on Facebook.  Instead of scrolling through the Facebook feed and seeing all those so called parenting articles (and reading them) I post that I'm having a crappy day but I know that a new day will dawn tomorrow and will be better.  Then I get off social media for like the rest of the day so that it can't pull me down any further.

Depression will always be with me but I plan on handling it better than I have in the past.  I also encourage anyone who feels like something is not right to go to the doctor and talk about it.  I know that may not sound like the most appealing thing to do but you will feel better.  Also to new moms out there, it's okay if you're not happy.  I mean honestly you've spent 9 months being pampered and all of a sudden you look like you just rolled out of bed most days and you go days at a time where you don't get out of the house.  It's hard but know that I'm here to say that you're doing an awesome job and if you need to go get help and on some anti-depressants then it's okay.  It will help so much and help you enjoy life around you so much more too.  Trust me I've been there, and some days I still am in that hole, but there is help and you are not weak in asking for it.  Our children are depending on us to mother them, so lets put our best foot forward and if we need help doing that then so be it!  Husbands help your wives see that they're not themselves, trust me you won't offend her in caring then be the listening ear that she needs even if you don't understand what she's going through.  A hug can go a long way and just a quiet night sitting next to each other helps a lot too.  Good luck to everyone out there and know that I think you're doing an awesome job in dealing with this crazy life :).

Rusty's Bridle

Back in January on the night of the 18th my dear sweet Rusty Girl passed away.  I feel very responsible for her death and it has affected me quite a bit.  When I went into my tack shed a few days later I saw her bridle and broke down into tears right there once again.  After that day I had a hard time falling asleep each night because I had so much running through my head until one night I finally got up and wrote this tribute to her and named it "Rusty's Bridle"

When I look at Rusty’s bridle I remember a leader, teacher, mentor and friend.  She was a leader because when the going got tough she would go out in front no matter what and lead the other horses and if she didn’t think something was safe then she would take you away from there.  She was a teacher because she gave and taught confidence to Easter, Mahalah, and Ranger on the trail and helped keep them calm when they got scared.  She taught them to be brave and to think things through and I can see what they have learned from her as I ride them, especially Easter and Mahalah.  Rusty also taught and gave confidence to new riders showing them that she would take care of them and how fun it is to ride.  She knew to be careful with the little ones and those who she could tell were scared, I was always especially amazed at how she treated each young rider with care.  She was a mentor for me because she showed me through the 12 years I had her that I needed to be patient with the horses still learning, and also with my children and students that I needed to have the same patience as her while they learned.  Rusty also helped me learn to become a leader and that just because you’re scared of something doesn’t mean you run but face it head on and lead others into that challenge.  She was my friend because she was always there when I needed a ride on a horse that I knew would take me one and she would listen to my problems and was once again be patient as I worked through them.  Rusty was taken too soon and I feel very guilty every day because I wasn’t out there when she needed me most and that I didn’t get her any help.  It will take me a very long time to get over this guilt and I may never get over it, but when I look at her bridle I will be reminded of what she did for me and those that she came in contact with and I will hang her bridle always in an honorable spot where I will be reminded of my Rusty Girl each and every time I go into my tack room.