I see you sweet mother even though others may not. I see the pride and joy in your eyes when you talk about your child or children are doing these days, the accomplishments that they've achieved or how big they're getting. I see the love in your eyes when you talk about how well your husband's job is going or what he's achieved in the community or at work. I see the smile on your face when you talk about your parents or siblings and what they're up to, where they're at, or what adventures they or their families may be doing. I see the pride and joy for those you live with, manage and take care of. However I also see something else sweet mother...
I see the hurt when that person who was asking about all those around you didn't ask you about you. Further confirming that your life isn't that grand despite being told that you have the most important job being a mother. I see the longing to be something other than a wife and a mom and the desire to be wild a free like you used to be before having to tone down to raise kids and attend to wifely duties. I see you just wanting someone to see you, give you a big hug and instead of telling you it will be okay (because you know it'll be okay) inviting you to come over without kids to just hang out, watch a movie, or just go out and have fun. I see the hidden tears of frustration over not knowing how to help a certain child or how to make life easier for other family members or husband. I see the guilty feeling because of a certain child (or children) who particularly trigger you and you clash with almost everyday. I see the defeat when you've had it with that child (or children) and you blow your top and overreact and see their little faces fill with fear from your blow up that you were trying so so hard to contain and work through while working through their struggles. I see the need to just talk and not feel judged or have solutions thrown at you, to be held, felt loved, and taken care of...even for just a little bit. I see you needing to be taken care of because you feel yourself slipping away mentally and you're trying so hard to hold on. I see you not asking for help because you don't want to be a burden to anybody. I see you needing your mom, sister, or friend. I see you needing to cry but can't because no one can know that you're struggling with motherhood right now. I see you trying not to compare yourself to everyone else on social media but subconsciously you do. I see the stay at home mom wanting to contribute financially. I see the working mother wondering if she's there enough for her kids. I see all the moms wondering if they're doing okay raising their kids. I see you sweet mother....I really do.
We as mom's love and support our husbands, kids, and other family members fiercely and wouldn't change anything to not have them. That said nobody tells us that when we become mothers we become invisible. Not on purpose by any means but it does happen. So much attention is given to a woman when she's pregnant then when the baby is born all of that attention is on the baby (along with other kids). It's not a bad thing because new babies and kids growing up doing cool things are fun to watch and talk about and us mom's love bragging about them but at the same time it hurts when we aren't asked about us too. Maybe not for all mom's but I know I'm not alone in this. I'm not a working mother either and I'm assuming here (hopefully I won't make an ass out of myself) but at the work place I'm sure that's what the majority of questions and talked about are too...husband, kids, and family. I could be wrong, please tell me if I am. It's when those as loved ones and friends around the mom can tell that they're struggling and maybe needing some attention themselves but they're putting on a happy face each day and we accept the happy face and keep going on with our lives is when mom's really can start deteriorating.
Don't be afraid (especially if you're a close friend or family) to give a mom some attention. Invite her over without kids, take her out, or just hang out with her. As general acquaintances ask a mom about HER...something simple asking about her likes or what she's up to...just a couple of questions is all. As mom's we don't say much and if some mom's are anything like me, have learned to just be silent and accept this is how life is now. See the mom behind the family...let's try to help mom's feel less invisible.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Having a low Emotional Intelligence
The definition of Emotional Intelligence from the dictionary off of Bing is this: "The capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.
Now that's a pretty big worded definition of what emotional intelligence (EI) is. So I hopped on over to Wikipedia which explained in a way that I understood it better. Wikipedia says its the capacity of individuals to recognize their own, and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.
I like that definition much better mainly because I can understand it better. Either way I have come to understand it as being able to feel emotions, how to handle them appropriately and be able to express them. I feel like I got a handle on how other people are feeling...well at least my kids since I'm around them the most but that's the only thing that I have somewhat down. Everything else with that definition I struggle with terribly and it's been an awful and tedious struggle to try and grow and have a better emotional intelligence.
I had never heard of EI until I took a class earlier this year. I thought it was interesting but never really thought more about it until a few weeks ago when my therapist explained more about it. I had told her that I really struggle letting myself feel emotions and that they seem to get out of control and intense really quickly. Along with that when they get out of control and intense I basically turn into a non functioning human being which doesn't go well when I need to be a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband. I told her I can't figure out how to deal with these emotions/feelings while I'm having to be a mom/wife and that it just hasn't been working and I get even more overwhelmed when I have to take care of emotionally charged, crying, or clingly kids when I'm super emotionally overwhelmed myself. In order to be the mom my kids need I have to push these emotions/feelings down and I don't want to feel them anyway because I HATE feeling that kind of intensity and being that overwhelmed.
How I got to this point started in childhood. I couldn't let myself feel and figure out emotions because I either got made fun of or in trouble. I learned at an early age I had to keep things bottled up and pushed down. I needed to keep the image of being happy and fine up because that was what was expected. That was hard to do because there were lots of times when I desperately needed to talk and needed guidance, love, and help to figure out these emotions and such but I couldn't because I had to keep up the image. Plus by the time I was a teenager I was so distrustful of everyone that I didn't want to share anyway to keep myself safe from more hurt. Also by the time I was a teen the emotions got so intense I had to cope somehow so I turned to cutting and burning. Pain relieved some of that intensity so I could be fine again...at least for a couple of hours. I still cut/scratch today...not as much as a year ago but when things get intense it's what I turn to in order to relieve that intensity. I'm slowly learning other coping skills but the cutting/scratching is still the most effective and the easiest to do when I'm in that overwhelmed distressed state of mind.
I saw a psychiatrist recently (ugh) and he basically explained the EI as hurdles that I didn't make over/meet while growing up. Because of that I now struggle immensely with allowing myself to feel emotions that not only come with depression, living with children and life in general but also when things from the past get remembered or triggered. I don't know how to handle myself when the dam I put everything behind breaks and everything comes flooding out and basically drowns me. This is on top of everything else that I try and manage everyday as well. I find myself back in a 12 year old mind basically not know what to do, where to turn or how to handle anything and the result is the kids fend for themselves...I get the kids to any extra things that they need to be to and then I just lay on the floor or in bed trying to pull myself back together again. And this can last for days before I'm even semi functional again. There have even been times when I've been pulling myself out then the dam breaks again and knocks me down harder and longer. It sucks and it's not fair to Duke or my kids when that happens.
With this knowledge though the process is being started on what to do when this happens. It's slow tedious work and a lot of the time still the skills I've learned and try to remember to work. A lot of the time I'm finding myself wanting to be held by a mom figure telling me it's going to be okay and just being with me letting it all out...but unfortunately I don't have that so I have to try other things that take longer to work and don't last as long in keeping it fixed. I don't know how long it takes to grow up emotionally...all I know is in that department I'm still stuck as a kid and it sucks and it's embarrassing.
Now that's a pretty big worded definition of what emotional intelligence (EI) is. So I hopped on over to Wikipedia which explained in a way that I understood it better. Wikipedia says its the capacity of individuals to recognize their own, and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.
I like that definition much better mainly because I can understand it better. Either way I have come to understand it as being able to feel emotions, how to handle them appropriately and be able to express them. I feel like I got a handle on how other people are feeling...well at least my kids since I'm around them the most but that's the only thing that I have somewhat down. Everything else with that definition I struggle with terribly and it's been an awful and tedious struggle to try and grow and have a better emotional intelligence.
I had never heard of EI until I took a class earlier this year. I thought it was interesting but never really thought more about it until a few weeks ago when my therapist explained more about it. I had told her that I really struggle letting myself feel emotions and that they seem to get out of control and intense really quickly. Along with that when they get out of control and intense I basically turn into a non functioning human being which doesn't go well when I need to be a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband. I told her I can't figure out how to deal with these emotions/feelings while I'm having to be a mom/wife and that it just hasn't been working and I get even more overwhelmed when I have to take care of emotionally charged, crying, or clingly kids when I'm super emotionally overwhelmed myself. In order to be the mom my kids need I have to push these emotions/feelings down and I don't want to feel them anyway because I HATE feeling that kind of intensity and being that overwhelmed.
How I got to this point started in childhood. I couldn't let myself feel and figure out emotions because I either got made fun of or in trouble. I learned at an early age I had to keep things bottled up and pushed down. I needed to keep the image of being happy and fine up because that was what was expected. That was hard to do because there were lots of times when I desperately needed to talk and needed guidance, love, and help to figure out these emotions and such but I couldn't because I had to keep up the image. Plus by the time I was a teenager I was so distrustful of everyone that I didn't want to share anyway to keep myself safe from more hurt. Also by the time I was a teen the emotions got so intense I had to cope somehow so I turned to cutting and burning. Pain relieved some of that intensity so I could be fine again...at least for a couple of hours. I still cut/scratch today...not as much as a year ago but when things get intense it's what I turn to in order to relieve that intensity. I'm slowly learning other coping skills but the cutting/scratching is still the most effective and the easiest to do when I'm in that overwhelmed distressed state of mind.
I saw a psychiatrist recently (ugh) and he basically explained the EI as hurdles that I didn't make over/meet while growing up. Because of that I now struggle immensely with allowing myself to feel emotions that not only come with depression, living with children and life in general but also when things from the past get remembered or triggered. I don't know how to handle myself when the dam I put everything behind breaks and everything comes flooding out and basically drowns me. This is on top of everything else that I try and manage everyday as well. I find myself back in a 12 year old mind basically not know what to do, where to turn or how to handle anything and the result is the kids fend for themselves...I get the kids to any extra things that they need to be to and then I just lay on the floor or in bed trying to pull myself back together again. And this can last for days before I'm even semi functional again. There have even been times when I've been pulling myself out then the dam breaks again and knocks me down harder and longer. It sucks and it's not fair to Duke or my kids when that happens.
With this knowledge though the process is being started on what to do when this happens. It's slow tedious work and a lot of the time still the skills I've learned and try to remember to work. A lot of the time I'm finding myself wanting to be held by a mom figure telling me it's going to be okay and just being with me letting it all out...but unfortunately I don't have that so I have to try other things that take longer to work and don't last as long in keeping it fixed. I don't know how long it takes to grow up emotionally...all I know is in that department I'm still stuck as a kid and it sucks and it's embarrassing.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
I can't feel love
Over the past year and especially the past 6 months or so I've been working on being okay to let myself feel emotions and work through them instead of pushing them back down and ignoring them for the rest of forever. Apparently this isn't a healthy way of dealing with life. This has been an unpleasant change for me and to be honest I haven't done that well with it. I let myself feel things for maybe a fraction longer but then I shove it back down into my emotion pit or whatever you would like to call it and try to ignore it. However, my ignoring them isn't happening either since I now have loving family and friends aware of what I do that strongly encourage me to not do that and to work through it. It's been an exhausting fight for sure but I have slowly learned and realized something about myself over these past 6 months that has me feeling all sorts of things (unfortunately)….I can't feel love from others.
As most of you know that read the blog telling of my story growing up, I didn't have much love around. On top of that the circumstances I grew up in I learned the best way to survive and protect myself is to shove any feelings and emotions I had down deep inside of me and replace it with humor and sarcasm. I learned that if you just joke about everything all the time along with replying with sarcasm about everything then people tend to leave you alone. I didn't do this as much as a kid but definitely teenager age up until present time I've mastered this. A side effect of pushing internal emotions down though, that I've recently learned, is not being able to feel outside emotions and feelings...especially love from others...be it friends or family.
I'm sure some of you are wondering how in the heck did I get married then. Well I definitely fell in love with Duke and even though I don't really feel the love that I know he has for me doesn't mean I never felt it. In our twitterpated stage of life when we were dating and newlyweds I didn't have to face reality. I had someone where I was his whole world and center of attention and I loved that because he respected me and still wanted me even though I had a messed up history and such. In that time of my life I was able to feel love from Duke and it was awesome! As we all know though life continues and as we started having kids, Duke developing his career and just the overall maturing into adults my prior habit of shoving emotions down to not feel which results in me not being able to feel love from others started happening again.
I know that for some of you this is hard to understand. I mean how can you not feel love from others? Especially when those that care about you tell you that they love you and do things that show their love. Well, it definitely is complicated to explain and I will do the best I can at it. Personally, for me I guess I don't feel love from others because I've gone so long without letting my feel things (until it explodes out of me) and that has just made me numb. Another reason I think is I convince myself that my friends and family don't really mean it when they say they love me (except Duke...he is definitely the exception). So, with recently being taken in by family as their daughter I've not been able to feel any love from them-except on a rare occasion or two. As a result I'm constantly trying to tell myself that they really do love me and want me around but the stronger part of me tells me that none of it is true. They've told me they're not going to abandon me or anything but I'm just waiting for them to tell me I'm too much to handle and that it's not working anymore. This goes for my friends as well. I'm just waiting for everyone to leave me because I'm not getting better, or working hard enough, or just keep pushing away. I have this fear with Duke as well (sorry babe). I mean I know he loves me but what's too much for him? I'm used to acting a certain way for survival that to change the way I live and act is proving to be so much harder than I thought it would be. I truly believe I'm not lovable or worth any effort for anything....and I've been trying to change that way of thinking but it seems the harder I try the worse I get. I'm seriously just stuck...and as a result still don't feel the love and care others say they have for me.
The ironic and sad part is that I so desperately crave the love and caring...especially as a daughter from parents. I've been so deeply hurt though by those who were suppose to love and care that I've built what I feel like is this impenetrable wall to protect myself...even though I'm starving for it and it's there for me but I just can't let it in because I'm convinced it's not real, will go away, or I'll just get hurt even more.
I don't know why I'm sharing this publicly but I am. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I'm still trying to work on this whole emotion thing for the most part (basically when I feel up to it). I guess I'm sharing this in hopes that if someone else out there feels like this just know you're not alone. It's hard for us and for those around us who tell us they care...but we can't feel it. We certainly can give our love to those we love and care about but we just can't receive it back and it makes us feel (at least me) crappy and like there's something wrong with us. I really don't have anything encouraging to end on I guess except to say keep going as much as you can.
Those that I love and care for that might be reading this. Know I don't write this to hurt you in anyway...just trying to help you and maybe others understand.
As most of you know that read the blog telling of my story growing up, I didn't have much love around. On top of that the circumstances I grew up in I learned the best way to survive and protect myself is to shove any feelings and emotions I had down deep inside of me and replace it with humor and sarcasm. I learned that if you just joke about everything all the time along with replying with sarcasm about everything then people tend to leave you alone. I didn't do this as much as a kid but definitely teenager age up until present time I've mastered this. A side effect of pushing internal emotions down though, that I've recently learned, is not being able to feel outside emotions and feelings...especially love from others...be it friends or family.
I'm sure some of you are wondering how in the heck did I get married then. Well I definitely fell in love with Duke and even though I don't really feel the love that I know he has for me doesn't mean I never felt it. In our twitterpated stage of life when we were dating and newlyweds I didn't have to face reality. I had someone where I was his whole world and center of attention and I loved that because he respected me and still wanted me even though I had a messed up history and such. In that time of my life I was able to feel love from Duke and it was awesome! As we all know though life continues and as we started having kids, Duke developing his career and just the overall maturing into adults my prior habit of shoving emotions down to not feel which results in me not being able to feel love from others started happening again.
I know that for some of you this is hard to understand. I mean how can you not feel love from others? Especially when those that care about you tell you that they love you and do things that show their love. Well, it definitely is complicated to explain and I will do the best I can at it. Personally, for me I guess I don't feel love from others because I've gone so long without letting my feel things (until it explodes out of me) and that has just made me numb. Another reason I think is I convince myself that my friends and family don't really mean it when they say they love me (except Duke...he is definitely the exception). So, with recently being taken in by family as their daughter I've not been able to feel any love from them-except on a rare occasion or two. As a result I'm constantly trying to tell myself that they really do love me and want me around but the stronger part of me tells me that none of it is true. They've told me they're not going to abandon me or anything but I'm just waiting for them to tell me I'm too much to handle and that it's not working anymore. This goes for my friends as well. I'm just waiting for everyone to leave me because I'm not getting better, or working hard enough, or just keep pushing away. I have this fear with Duke as well (sorry babe). I mean I know he loves me but what's too much for him? I'm used to acting a certain way for survival that to change the way I live and act is proving to be so much harder than I thought it would be. I truly believe I'm not lovable or worth any effort for anything....and I've been trying to change that way of thinking but it seems the harder I try the worse I get. I'm seriously just stuck...and as a result still don't feel the love and care others say they have for me.
The ironic and sad part is that I so desperately crave the love and caring...especially as a daughter from parents. I've been so deeply hurt though by those who were suppose to love and care that I've built what I feel like is this impenetrable wall to protect myself...even though I'm starving for it and it's there for me but I just can't let it in because I'm convinced it's not real, will go away, or I'll just get hurt even more.
I don't know why I'm sharing this publicly but I am. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I'm still trying to work on this whole emotion thing for the most part (basically when I feel up to it). I guess I'm sharing this in hopes that if someone else out there feels like this just know you're not alone. It's hard for us and for those around us who tell us they care...but we can't feel it. We certainly can give our love to those we love and care about but we just can't receive it back and it makes us feel (at least me) crappy and like there's something wrong with us. I really don't have anything encouraging to end on I guess except to say keep going as much as you can.
Those that I love and care for that might be reading this. Know I don't write this to hurt you in anyway...just trying to help you and maybe others understand.
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