Siblings...forever friends

I remember being told once when I was a teenager or a little younger that "your siblings are your forever friends".  I also remember after being told that I rolled my eyes and thought to myself "not where I come from".

I remember when I was very young and I would go to my best friends house to play there was always activity going on and of course fighting among her siblings.  I remember just how they would act and treat each other and just the special bond that they all had and I thought it was awesome.  I experienced some of that when I was able to help their family with things that they were doing but mainly I just watched and wanted what she had.  Fast forward a few years to my older childhood/early teen years and same thing...I would often go to my best friends (at the time) house and her older sister and her along with her younger brother just had this awesome bond and they had fun together...doing crazy things and making memories and what not.  Again, I participated when I was able but at the end of the day I was an outsider watching and wanting what they had.

I have a few memories with my siblings.  My older brother teaching me how to drive the 4-wheeler, when my older brothers would allow me to watch them play their video games, and another older brother going snowboarding with me.  Other than those though I don't have any other memories with them that most of my friends that I have now do.  I mean being so much younger than my brothers and sister played a big factor in that along with me being the only "country" person out of the lot of them so we couldn't relate to each other much.  But I still wanted it that connection...but never got it.

I'm not saying that I didn't have brotherly and sisterly types of relationships with my friends.  There were a group of guys that I hung out with in High School that felt like my older brothers...2 particularly stand out in my mind.  My best friend in High School (and I also consider her my best friend now) felt like my sister.  I spent a lot of time with these people but there's just something special about growing up and living together that I couldn't have with my friends.  With that said I am very grateful for my friends and that I was able to have a small taste of that sibling relationship...it's something I hold onto and look back on at times.

Throughout the past 10 years or so I've seen multiple pictures from friends with their siblings and saying how grateful they are for them and such.  I love seeing those pictures and reading those things...I really do.  I love seeing the National Sibling Day pictures that pop up every so often on my newsfeed or the reenactments of old pictures...actually those are my favorite lol.  Even though I love seeing them I also feel a small ache inside of me because to be brutally honest...my siblings don't even feel like siblings to me-and never really have.  They're people I lived with for a while that put up with me when they had to, sometimes did things with me, and talk to me every once in a while when something is needed but that's it.  I don't hate them for it and I'm not angry but I know I still missed out on something growing up.

With that said though, I have been given a chance to make sibling friendships.  It's a chance I thought would never come my way.  The people that took me in as their daughter (and Duke as their son-in-law and my kids as their grandkids) also have given me the opportunity to feel like a sister.  I'm still working on getting to know most of them better since we're all obviously grown but they feel more like my brothers and sisters than my actual brothers and sister.  I have loved every minute that I've got to spend time with them as well as watching our kids play and interact together.  There have been memories made that I hold close to me.  I love hearing their stories and just being with them.  I know it sounds crazy (and any of them that may read this I'm sorry if this sounds crazy lol-feel free to tell me) but I think I fit in with them pretty well.  I may not have grown up with them but I feel like I've been a part of them my whole life when I'm with them.

I just want to end saying that even though I didn't have that time with my siblings growing up, I'm very grateful that my kids do and that I get to watch them.  They fight, laugh, cause mischief, tease, and etc. and I'm so glad that they do...even though most of the time it does drive me up the wall.  I know that they'll look back on these times and laugh and tell stories of things they used to do and I'm grateful for that.  I hope they'll always be friends because thanks to my brothers and sisters and watching them and how they make me feel I know that what I was told all those years ago that "your siblings are your forever friends" is very much possible and true....not only for my own children but hopefully for myself too.

My Daddy

Tonight while watching an episode of NCIS there was a moment done between Ziva and Gibbs that was tender and you knew that a special father/daughter relationship had just been formed.  It was those types of moments that made me fall in love with the show some 6-7 years ago and also why I still love the show today.  It was those moments that I held onto and kinda lived through to try and feel the love of a father for his daughter.  I craved that kind of relationship for many years (about 20 for those that like numbers) and watching those moments helped me hold onto that maybe, just maybe one day I could have the same thing or something somewhat close.

After that episode got over I just started thinking about these past 6 months.  I'm not going to go into detail of what has happened but a lot has happened that I never expected would happen.  But I just wanted to share a little bit of how I finally found my dad.  

I remember when I was very small (like 5-6) I followed my old dad everywhere.  Where he went I also went...I was very much a daddy's girl.  For reasons I'm not ready to share fully yet when I was 8-9 that relationship with my old dad went away for reasons that I still feel today were my fault.  Whether it was my fault or not for the past 20 years I never felt like I had a real father.  I remember just wanting someone who I knew would protect me, love me, chew me out if needed, tease me, and just be there and do the things that my friends dad's did.  I remember when I started watching NCIS the pain and longing I felt for tender moments like the ones Gibbs would have with Ziva or Abby. I just wanted a daddy.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago and McKaty's first cheer competition.  I was nervous to drive us to Blackfoot because I wasn't sleeping well and would tend to get very, very tired in the afternoon.  My bishop learned about how nervous I was and offered to take us that day.  I tried very, very hard to dissuade him-telling him we had to leave really early in the morning and that it was an all day thing and that it was in Blackfoot of all places-but he insisted that it was fine and I reluctantly agreed to let him drive us.  Nothing super special happened that day (I mean we were in Blackfoot...nothing happens in Blackfoot) but on the way home I was thinking about the day and how for the first time in 20 years I felt like a daughter.  It took me until we were almost home for me to admit this to him.  He said he was honored that I felt like that and that he was more than happy to be a fatherly type figure to me...honestly I thought that's as far as that would go.  I told myself that it was awesome to have felt like a daughter that day but don't get your hopes up because it'll never happen...I was never meant to be a daughter to anyone.

After a few eventful weeks my bishop said that he and his wife think of me as their daughter and part of their family.  As time went on my family and I got adopted into their family and the father/daughter relationship has grown immensely.  I never realized how incomplete I felt or how much pain I was in because I felt like I didn't have a dad.  I never realized how much love a dad can give to his daughter, even when she isn't technically his.  I never realized how much healing a father's love can do for a daughter in immense pain and that no matter how old a daughter may be she'll always need her daddy.  I never thought I would have a dad that was protective, teasing, loving, wanting me around, willing to listen to anything and everything I had to say, etc. ever in my life.  I never realized how much I needed a dad in my life and I'm so glad that I now have one that now only loves and accepts me but also my husband and kids.

Thank you daddy for giving me what I've always needed and wanted.  Thank you for everything you do...thank you for not giving up on me and for being there for me and my family.  Just thank you (and mom too-her post will be coming sometime too).  I know I'm grown but know I'll always be your little girl and that my kids, Duke, and I all love you very much.