*In this post I am not complaining, I'm merely trying to express my raw emotions and experiences of day to day motherhood life. Also, I did not consume an entire bag of chocolate chips and was interrupted maybe a dozen times.
I'm currently hiding from all mom duties right now and shoving chocolate chips into my mouth. I turned on the evil TV and if I had the conscious I would leave it on all day for them, but I'm not because I promised a trip to the library even though I know it will be exhausting and I'm just hoping I won't have a breakdown there in public because I've already had some of those this year and it's embarrassing for sure. I'm trying to gear up for an entire 2 days without a break from my kids a week earlier than I had planned on and hoping I can make it.
I'm broken, I'm exhausted, I'm done. There was a time when I had people my own age text me about fun things going on and they wanted me to join...now my days are filled with trying to make tiny people share toys, talk nicely and well just trying to teach them how to be people. If I had a project in front of me that needed to be accomplished or a goal I wanted to achieve I could do it without interruption and now I tell these tiny beings that I need just an hour to work and that they can watch these shows or a movie so I can get some time in without interruption and all of a sudden that show/movie isn't interesting enough or someone is touching someone else or whatever else they can suddenly think of that I have to stop and take care of.
I love my children, I really honestly do and I'm grateful to have them. They're funny, loving and really honestly up to do anything. Their excitement for life is contagious and I love being able to stay home with them, even on the hard days. I mean heck I've been doing this stay at home mom thing for six and a half years and honestly would not give it up for anything. In fact I love my kids so much that I wanted another and I'm blessed to be able to do that...I am truly grateful for each of my 3 (soon to be 4) children each day, but I won't lie becoming a mother has taken a huge toll on me for sure.
Backstory time: I got married at 19 and I don't regret that decision one bit. Honestly my husband is a rock star. He puts up with me, my craziness, the craziness at home and has worked hard so that I can stay home. I love being married and no regrets on getting married young either. We had our first child young, I was just barely 21 when our oldest daughter was born. I don't regret having her young either but I wish someone had told me how hard bringing home a baby was and how I was going to have to find myself again. I was lost, depressed (which wasn't talked about either), thought I was doing everything wrong (thanks social media), and was seriously worried I was messing up this kid. I was incredibly lonely because out of everyone that we hung out with we were the first to have a baby and all of a sudden we couldn't do anything anymore and the invitations stopped. I especially felt isolated because I didn't go to school any longer or work as a lifeguard. I lost all sense of purpose and seriously considered giving my baby up to adoption because I wanted my old life back of being able to do what I wanted when I wanted. I kept all these things to myself because I didn't have any friends left to talk to, my husband was working his tail off to support us, and even if I was brave enough to talk to someone I didn't want them to think I was ungrateful and crazy.
Obviously I didn't give up my baby and she is now a happy and sassy 6 year old girl with a younger sister and brother. I did find a sense of purpose after she was born in the form of working out and basically working on myself to get healthier. It gave me direction and a goal and I loved seeing how far I could push myself, however with each pregnancy and birth keeping up with my goals and myself has gotten harder. I battle pretty severe post partum depression that started as early as the 3rd trimester with my son and that makes it hard to basically see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially in the newborn baby stage. Add that to my internal drive and desire to want to achieve all my dreams and goals I'm literally driven insane some days, especially since (once again) I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I'm afraid of driving people away because that is what has happened in the past. I don't want to put more stress and pressure onto my hubby because he has enough of that with work and I can't exercise as hard as I would like to at the moment because well, I'm pregnant. In the past I used to go horse riding when I could but that one is kind of hard when it's December with ice and snow....I would rather not fall off one of my horses from an accidental slip and I don't want to put them in any danger either. For the past few weeks I've literally stayed inside and just been mom. Nothing really to look forward to and no one to talk to (besides a 6,4 and 2 year old). I swear someone is always crying and touching me and even though I'm past the extreme morning sickness stage I still don't feel good and my house is a complete and total disaster that I swear I will never catch up on. My kids want me to play and do things with them and I just want them away from me because I want a few minutes to veg out or to get some minimal work done towards my business goals so that one day we can hang out.
I want to be successful in my passion, I just can't right now. I'm not sure what the balance is because I know of moms who have become successful with kids at home and I honestly try to do what they do by setting "business hours" at home and sticking to them however 9 times out of 10 it's seriously not possible to stick to them. I want a friend that I can at least text all the time that I don't have to worry about driving away because they think I'm a nut and that we can share inside jokes with. I want to be that fun mom that has a ton of fun with her kids and is able to teach them how to be good hard working people in a loving way and that they'll never be afraid to come to when they have a question or a problem. I want some of my spontaneity back that I used to have because believe it or not I was fun and a bit of a trouble maker back in the day. All of this is inside that wants to get out but I don't know how to let it out. This is the season of my life and right now I'm trying really hard to accept that right now I need to just be a mom, and it's hard because it is a thankless job that is not for weak. One day I'll be able to get my work done for the day without a million interruptions and be successful in all that I want to do, just wish at the moment I could find that balance that works for me and run with it.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Thursday, November 10, 2016
The 5th pregnancy
I've had a lot going through my head lately. A bit ago I learned that I was pregnant with our 4th child (technically my 5th pregnancy) and I'm thrilled and excited for this child to come into our lives come spring. At the same time I'm also hesitant and terrified. Not because of the morning sickness that puts me flat on my back for weeks on end but because of the mental battle I have to go through for at least a year or more after this precious child is born.
The first part of the mental battle comes when my body starts changing. I'm not a pixie to begin with and have always gained about 60 pounds with each pregnancy ending over 200 lbs. once all said and done. This is hard for someone who has body image issues and wants so desparately to look a certain way and is STILL working on being okay with how I look. I try and teach how important it is to love yourself as you are in my boot camps and appreciate how strong your body can be if you let what you think you're supposed to look like go and embrace who you really are. It's hard though and it takes time and quite honestly I feel like I take a step back from that with each pregnancy and feel like I start over at square one. I have started that journey 4 times now and come spring it will be the 5th time and even though I come out stronger doesn't mean it's easy. There are times I want to quit and say screw everything and just not eat but of course I have 2 little girls and a little boy who are looking to me to be healthy and to lead them on a healthy path so that hopefully they won't grow up with body image problems either. I'm grateful for them for always pushing me which in turn helps me to push others when they want to quit. I'm grateful for another little girl or boy to keep giving me that push to keep pushing forward.
The second part of the mental battle is of course the depression. I've struggle with depression probably since I was 8 or 9 (along with the body image issues) and I'm not one to communicate well, even when I probably really need to. I've noticed especially since having children I've distanced myself from others because I was so tired of being dropped by those that have called me friends when they realize I'm not always happy. It makes me sad because I used to be so impulsive, fun, and rebellious and I would love to have that show through again but I'm terrified because when I get into a depression funk I know I'm not fun to be around. The only thing that seems to truly help me is to get out with my fur babies because they just understand me in a way that people never could. I'm grateful for such an awesome husband who understands this so will help me in any way he can to help me get out there with them. There are times though I wish I had a friend or mother type figure that I could come to when I'm in a funk that would help me through it and let me know that I can beat this and just let me work through my depression without judgement. I don't know if there's someone out there like that for me and if not that's cool too...I've gone 27 years getting through this on my own with just the horses and dog to help, I'm sure I can do it for the rest of my life.
I'm hoping I'll have the energy and dedication to blog/write during this pregnancy. I've been going crazy by being so sick and not eating foods that I know can help me feel better (ie Shakeology I miss it!) and not being able to exercise. Being almost 13 weeks along I'm hoping I'll feel somewhat better soon to at least start exercising. I hope to share my struggles along with my victories. I'm already 20 lbs heavier than I was before I was pregnant with my other 3 children and my angel baby but I also haven't gained any weight. I'm aiming to make this pregnancy my healthiest yet. Until next time I wish everyone well and remember, do what makes YOU happy.
The first part of the mental battle comes when my body starts changing. I'm not a pixie to begin with and have always gained about 60 pounds with each pregnancy ending over 200 lbs. once all said and done. This is hard for someone who has body image issues and wants so desparately to look a certain way and is STILL working on being okay with how I look. I try and teach how important it is to love yourself as you are in my boot camps and appreciate how strong your body can be if you let what you think you're supposed to look like go and embrace who you really are. It's hard though and it takes time and quite honestly I feel like I take a step back from that with each pregnancy and feel like I start over at square one. I have started that journey 4 times now and come spring it will be the 5th time and even though I come out stronger doesn't mean it's easy. There are times I want to quit and say screw everything and just not eat but of course I have 2 little girls and a little boy who are looking to me to be healthy and to lead them on a healthy path so that hopefully they won't grow up with body image problems either. I'm grateful for them for always pushing me which in turn helps me to push others when they want to quit. I'm grateful for another little girl or boy to keep giving me that push to keep pushing forward.
The second part of the mental battle is of course the depression. I've struggle with depression probably since I was 8 or 9 (along with the body image issues) and I'm not one to communicate well, even when I probably really need to. I've noticed especially since having children I've distanced myself from others because I was so tired of being dropped by those that have called me friends when they realize I'm not always happy. It makes me sad because I used to be so impulsive, fun, and rebellious and I would love to have that show through again but I'm terrified because when I get into a depression funk I know I'm not fun to be around. The only thing that seems to truly help me is to get out with my fur babies because they just understand me in a way that people never could. I'm grateful for such an awesome husband who understands this so will help me in any way he can to help me get out there with them. There are times though I wish I had a friend or mother type figure that I could come to when I'm in a funk that would help me through it and let me know that I can beat this and just let me work through my depression without judgement. I don't know if there's someone out there like that for me and if not that's cool too...I've gone 27 years getting through this on my own with just the horses and dog to help, I'm sure I can do it for the rest of my life.
I'm hoping I'll have the energy and dedication to blog/write during this pregnancy. I've been going crazy by being so sick and not eating foods that I know can help me feel better (ie Shakeology I miss it!) and not being able to exercise. Being almost 13 weeks along I'm hoping I'll feel somewhat better soon to at least start exercising. I hope to share my struggles along with my victories. I'm already 20 lbs heavier than I was before I was pregnant with my other 3 children and my angel baby but I also haven't gained any weight. I'm aiming to make this pregnancy my healthiest yet. Until next time I wish everyone well and remember, do what makes YOU happy.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Anxiety and Stress? Who Needs That?
Stress and Anxiety....why do they have to go hand in hand and why do they have to be part of my everyday life?
Well I don't know the answer to that but for me personally it's something I'm trying to overcome just as many other people. I'm learning time management which helps it but also makes it worse at times because if a day isn't going as it should or what not I tend to fall apart. So along with time management I'm also learning that it's okay if I don't get everything on my list done right then and that the world won't end! This is hard for my brain because I do like having a schedule and knowing when things are and such, however my brain is starting to accept bumps in the schedule as well.
To help change my mindset (when my schedule get's thrown off I go into stress/anxiety mode which then leads to negative self talk which isn't good for anybody) I decided to do an exercise I heard off of one my business trainings that I listened to. I wrote down everything that I "thought" was wrong with me. So for example: I'm ugly, I'm a terrible mom, I'm not smart, I can't lead, etc. After I did that I then went through and wrote down the opposite on some card stock so: I'm beautiful, I'm an awesome mom, I'm smart, I can lead, etc. Next I'll be hanging these up (probably in my room so that my beautiful 17 month old son won't tear them down :) ) and when I start to get stressed and go into that negative mindset I'll go and start walking around and saying these positive affirmations! I've already done this once or twice and I won't lie, I felt pretty dumb but I felt better! Plus I love the example I'm setting for my daughters and my son!
Why not give it a try? What do you have to lose? This was our week 3 homework in the boot camp and I haven't asked my ladies yet if they've done it, so I'll be making a note to do that lol, gotta love mom brain right? If you give it a try and do it for a month or so let me know how it's changed you, then pay it forward and give someone else this tip that you think could use it :). Until next time my awesome readers remember, you are worth it and we only get to live life once so don't live it stressed out and angry!
Well I don't know the answer to that but for me personally it's something I'm trying to overcome just as many other people. I'm learning time management which helps it but also makes it worse at times because if a day isn't going as it should or what not I tend to fall apart. So along with time management I'm also learning that it's okay if I don't get everything on my list done right then and that the world won't end! This is hard for my brain because I do like having a schedule and knowing when things are and such, however my brain is starting to accept bumps in the schedule as well.
To help change my mindset (when my schedule get's thrown off I go into stress/anxiety mode which then leads to negative self talk which isn't good for anybody) I decided to do an exercise I heard off of one my business trainings that I listened to. I wrote down everything that I "thought" was wrong with me. So for example: I'm ugly, I'm a terrible mom, I'm not smart, I can't lead, etc. After I did that I then went through and wrote down the opposite on some card stock so: I'm beautiful, I'm an awesome mom, I'm smart, I can lead, etc. Next I'll be hanging these up (probably in my room so that my beautiful 17 month old son won't tear them down :) ) and when I start to get stressed and go into that negative mindset I'll go and start walking around and saying these positive affirmations! I've already done this once or twice and I won't lie, I felt pretty dumb but I felt better! Plus I love the example I'm setting for my daughters and my son!
Why not give it a try? What do you have to lose? This was our week 3 homework in the boot camp and I haven't asked my ladies yet if they've done it, so I'll be making a note to do that lol, gotta love mom brain right? If you give it a try and do it for a month or so let me know how it's changed you, then pay it forward and give someone else this tip that you think could use it :). Until next time my awesome readers remember, you are worth it and we only get to live life once so don't live it stressed out and angry!
Monday, May 9, 2016
My Fear Zone
I am not the best person to keep records which has always been something I want to do better, so here I go!
Since the last blog post I have started a boot camp called Empower8 Boot Camp. In the boot camp I try and help those in it to see themselves as strong, beautiful women who have so much potential. I try and help see past numbers on the scale or pants sizes and let them see that everyone's healthy is completely different! One way I try and help is in the folder they receive are "homework" assignments to help them reflect during the week and those that have taken my class more than once and have actually done them have said that it helps them a lot! This most recent round I decided to do them with my ladies and of course I let life get in the way and got behind. However, I'm now going to get caught up and really try and set aside just 15 minutes each week to accomplish them.
The first two is dealing with fears...we first write them down and then see what one's we don't have control over and what ones we do have control over. We let go of the one's we don't have control over and focus on getting control back on the one's we do have control of. Here is the list of my fears:
1- Failing my clients: Either my Beachbody clients or my Boot Camp clients I'm always worried that I'm not doing enough. That I'm not providing them with enough support or tools to help them reach their goals, especially if they drop out of my Boot Camp or an at home program. I always put 110% into all that I do for others but I have to realize that they may all not be ready. I'm learning to not take this one personally and honestly I don't have control of what people do! All I can do is be there for them when they are ready and to ALWAYS be their friend no matter what. I've started focusing on being their friend and supporting them in whatever they're doing-that is how I'm handling this uncontrollable fear.
2-Failing my family: During this past year I've really been pushing to build 2 business'. A Beachbody and the Boot Camp. They are separate but still go hand in hand and in the middle of all that I'm also a wife, mother, primary teacher, and animal mom. Business building takes A LOT of time, which makes it hard on the family. I'm scared that my kids will feel abandoned, that all of my family will just get so fed up with how the house gets (it gets neglected at times), and I'm worried my animals will feel abandoned. I feel like I can control this fear because I can set business hours for when I'm working and when I need to be wife/mom. I've been trying a lot of different ways to do this and feel like I'm almost there...just still needs a few more tweaks to get it just right. Then summer will hit and I'll have to start all over again lol. I do know though that my family does support me in all that I'm doing and that I am doing my very best to "do it all", I just have to remind myself of that as well.
3-Not building and maintaining relationships with family and friends: Relationships have always been hard for me. Growing up I didn't have a great relationship with my parents or siblings which in turn has made it hard for me to let others get to know me. I've been really trying this past year especially to be open and out there, especially for my kids. I DO NOT want them to grow up feeling like they don't have a cheerleader or someone who will listen no matter what they did. I do have a short temper BUT I have told them and will always tell them that if they ever need to talk to me about anything to let me know. A lot of personal development in this department is in store for me but I'm bound and determined to have awesome relationships with everyone I help or will have the pleasure of helping and most of all my husband, kids, and God. This fear I can control what I do on my end of the relationship but I need to let go of what happens with the other person because happiness starts with me and NOT someone else.
These are the first two weeks worth of "homework" that we've done as a boot camp class. I encourage all who read this to do the same! I'm planning on working on week 3 later today so I can post about it tomorrow. Until then though my readers, know that you are beautiful, strong and important...there is no one out there that is like you so be the best you possible :).
Since the last blog post I have started a boot camp called Empower8 Boot Camp. In the boot camp I try and help those in it to see themselves as strong, beautiful women who have so much potential. I try and help see past numbers on the scale or pants sizes and let them see that everyone's healthy is completely different! One way I try and help is in the folder they receive are "homework" assignments to help them reflect during the week and those that have taken my class more than once and have actually done them have said that it helps them a lot! This most recent round I decided to do them with my ladies and of course I let life get in the way and got behind. However, I'm now going to get caught up and really try and set aside just 15 minutes each week to accomplish them.
The first two is dealing with fears...we first write them down and then see what one's we don't have control over and what ones we do have control over. We let go of the one's we don't have control over and focus on getting control back on the one's we do have control of. Here is the list of my fears:
1- Failing my clients: Either my Beachbody clients or my Boot Camp clients I'm always worried that I'm not doing enough. That I'm not providing them with enough support or tools to help them reach their goals, especially if they drop out of my Boot Camp or an at home program. I always put 110% into all that I do for others but I have to realize that they may all not be ready. I'm learning to not take this one personally and honestly I don't have control of what people do! All I can do is be there for them when they are ready and to ALWAYS be their friend no matter what. I've started focusing on being their friend and supporting them in whatever they're doing-that is how I'm handling this uncontrollable fear.
2-Failing my family: During this past year I've really been pushing to build 2 business'. A Beachbody and the Boot Camp. They are separate but still go hand in hand and in the middle of all that I'm also a wife, mother, primary teacher, and animal mom. Business building takes A LOT of time, which makes it hard on the family. I'm scared that my kids will feel abandoned, that all of my family will just get so fed up with how the house gets (it gets neglected at times), and I'm worried my animals will feel abandoned. I feel like I can control this fear because I can set business hours for when I'm working and when I need to be wife/mom. I've been trying a lot of different ways to do this and feel like I'm almost there...just still needs a few more tweaks to get it just right. Then summer will hit and I'll have to start all over again lol. I do know though that my family does support me in all that I'm doing and that I am doing my very best to "do it all", I just have to remind myself of that as well.
3-Not building and maintaining relationships with family and friends: Relationships have always been hard for me. Growing up I didn't have a great relationship with my parents or siblings which in turn has made it hard for me to let others get to know me. I've been really trying this past year especially to be open and out there, especially for my kids. I DO NOT want them to grow up feeling like they don't have a cheerleader or someone who will listen no matter what they did. I do have a short temper BUT I have told them and will always tell them that if they ever need to talk to me about anything to let me know. A lot of personal development in this department is in store for me but I'm bound and determined to have awesome relationships with everyone I help or will have the pleasure of helping and most of all my husband, kids, and God. This fear I can control what I do on my end of the relationship but I need to let go of what happens with the other person because happiness starts with me and NOT someone else.
These are the first two weeks worth of "homework" that we've done as a boot camp class. I encourage all who read this to do the same! I'm planning on working on week 3 later today so I can post about it tomorrow. Until then though my readers, know that you are beautiful, strong and important...there is no one out there that is like you so be the best you possible :).
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