*In this post I am not complaining, I'm merely trying to express my raw emotions and experiences of day to day motherhood life. Also, I did not consume an entire bag of chocolate chips and was interrupted maybe a dozen times.
I'm currently hiding from all mom duties right now and shoving chocolate chips into my mouth. I turned on the evil TV and if I had the conscious I would leave it on all day for them, but I'm not because I promised a trip to the library even though I know it will be exhausting and I'm just hoping I won't have a breakdown there in public because I've already had some of those this year and it's embarrassing for sure. I'm trying to gear up for an entire 2 days without a break from my kids a week earlier than I had planned on and hoping I can make it.
I'm broken, I'm exhausted, I'm done. There was a time when I had people my own age text me about fun things going on and they wanted me to join...now my days are filled with trying to make tiny people share toys, talk nicely and well just trying to teach them how to be people. If I had a project in front of me that needed to be accomplished or a goal I wanted to achieve I could do it without interruption and now I tell these tiny beings that I need just an hour to work and that they can watch these shows or a movie so I can get some time in without interruption and all of a sudden that show/movie isn't interesting enough or someone is touching someone else or whatever else they can suddenly think of that I have to stop and take care of.
I love my children, I really honestly do and I'm grateful to have them. They're funny, loving and really honestly up to do anything. Their excitement for life is contagious and I love being able to stay home with them, even on the hard days. I mean heck I've been doing this stay at home mom thing for six and a half years and honestly would not give it up for anything. In fact I love my kids so much that I wanted another and I'm blessed to be able to do that...I am truly grateful for each of my 3 (soon to be 4) children each day, but I won't lie becoming a mother has taken a huge toll on me for sure.
Backstory time: I got married at 19 and I don't regret that decision one bit. Honestly my husband is a rock star. He puts up with me, my craziness, the craziness at home and has worked hard so that I can stay home. I love being married and no regrets on getting married young either. We had our first child young, I was just barely 21 when our oldest daughter was born. I don't regret having her young either but I wish someone had told me how hard bringing home a baby was and how I was going to have to find myself again. I was lost, depressed (which wasn't talked about either), thought I was doing everything wrong (thanks social media), and was seriously worried I was messing up this kid. I was incredibly lonely because out of everyone that we hung out with we were the first to have a baby and all of a sudden we couldn't do anything anymore and the invitations stopped. I especially felt isolated because I didn't go to school any longer or work as a lifeguard. I lost all sense of purpose and seriously considered giving my baby up to adoption because I wanted my old life back of being able to do what I wanted when I wanted. I kept all these things to myself because I didn't have any friends left to talk to, my husband was working his tail off to support us, and even if I was brave enough to talk to someone I didn't want them to think I was ungrateful and crazy.
Obviously I didn't give up my baby and she is now a happy and sassy 6 year old girl with a younger sister and brother. I did find a sense of purpose after she was born in the form of working out and basically working on myself to get healthier. It gave me direction and a goal and I loved seeing how far I could push myself, however with each pregnancy and birth keeping up with my goals and myself has gotten harder. I battle pretty severe post partum depression that started as early as the 3rd trimester with my son and that makes it hard to basically see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially in the newborn baby stage. Add that to my internal drive and desire to want to achieve all my dreams and goals I'm literally driven insane some days, especially since (once again) I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I'm afraid of driving people away because that is what has happened in the past. I don't want to put more stress and pressure onto my hubby because he has enough of that with work and I can't exercise as hard as I would like to at the moment because well, I'm pregnant. In the past I used to go horse riding when I could but that one is kind of hard when it's December with ice and snow....I would rather not fall off one of my horses from an accidental slip and I don't want to put them in any danger either. For the past few weeks I've literally stayed inside and just been mom. Nothing really to look forward to and no one to talk to (besides a 6,4 and 2 year old). I swear someone is always crying and touching me and even though I'm past the extreme morning sickness stage I still don't feel good and my house is a complete and total disaster that I swear I will never catch up on. My kids want me to play and do things with them and I just want them away from me because I want a few minutes to veg out or to get some minimal work done towards my business goals so that one day we can hang out.
I want to be successful in my passion, I just can't right now. I'm not sure what the balance is because I know of moms who have become successful with kids at home and I honestly try to do what they do by setting "business hours" at home and sticking to them however 9 times out of 10 it's seriously not possible to stick to them. I want a friend that I can at least text all the time that I don't have to worry about driving away because they think I'm a nut and that we can share inside jokes with. I want to be that fun mom that has a ton of fun with her kids and is able to teach them how to be good hard working people in a loving way and that they'll never be afraid to come to when they have a question or a problem. I want some of my spontaneity back that I used to have because believe it or not I was fun and a bit of a trouble maker back in the day. All of this is inside that wants to get out but I don't know how to let it out. This is the season of my life and right now I'm trying really hard to accept that right now I need to just be a mom, and it's hard because it is a thankless job that is not for weak. One day I'll be able to get my work done for the day without a million interruptions and be successful in all that I want to do, just wish at the moment I could find that balance that works for me and run with it.
