The definition of Emotional Intelligence from the dictionary off of Bing is this: "The capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.
Now that's a pretty big worded definition of what emotional intelligence (EI) is. So I hopped on over to Wikipedia which explained in a way that I understood it better. Wikipedia says its the capacity of individuals to recognize their own, and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior.
I like that definition much better mainly because I can understand it better. Either way I have come to understand it as being able to feel emotions, how to handle them appropriately and be able to express them. I feel like I got a handle on how other people are feeling...well at least my kids since I'm around them the most but that's the only thing that I have somewhat down. Everything else with that definition I struggle with terribly and it's been an awful and tedious struggle to try and grow and have a better emotional intelligence.
I had never heard of EI until I took a class earlier this year. I thought it was interesting but never really thought more about it until a few weeks ago when my therapist explained more about it. I had told her that I really struggle letting myself feel emotions and that they seem to get out of control and intense really quickly. Along with that when they get out of control and intense I basically turn into a non functioning human being which doesn't go well when I need to be a mom to my kids and a wife to my husband. I told her I can't figure out how to deal with these emotions/feelings while I'm having to be a mom/wife and that it just hasn't been working and I get even more overwhelmed when I have to take care of emotionally charged, crying, or clingly kids when I'm super emotionally overwhelmed myself. In order to be the mom my kids need I have to push these emotions/feelings down and I don't want to feel them anyway because I HATE feeling that kind of intensity and being that overwhelmed.
How I got to this point started in childhood. I couldn't let myself feel and figure out emotions because I either got made fun of or in trouble. I learned at an early age I had to keep things bottled up and pushed down. I needed to keep the image of being happy and fine up because that was what was expected. That was hard to do because there were lots of times when I desperately needed to talk and needed guidance, love, and help to figure out these emotions and such but I couldn't because I had to keep up the image. Plus by the time I was a teenager I was so distrustful of everyone that I didn't want to share anyway to keep myself safe from more hurt. Also by the time I was a teen the emotions got so intense I had to cope somehow so I turned to cutting and burning. Pain relieved some of that intensity so I could be fine again...at least for a couple of hours. I still cut/scratch today...not as much as a year ago but when things get intense it's what I turn to in order to relieve that intensity. I'm slowly learning other coping skills but the cutting/scratching is still the most effective and the easiest to do when I'm in that overwhelmed distressed state of mind.
I saw a psychiatrist recently (ugh) and he basically explained the EI as hurdles that I didn't make over/meet while growing up. Because of that I now struggle immensely with allowing myself to feel emotions that not only come with depression, living with children and life in general but also when things from the past get remembered or triggered. I don't know how to handle myself when the dam I put everything behind breaks and everything comes flooding out and basically drowns me. This is on top of everything else that I try and manage everyday as well. I find myself back in a 12 year old mind basically not know what to do, where to turn or how to handle anything and the result is the kids fend for themselves...I get the kids to any extra things that they need to be to and then I just lay on the floor or in bed trying to pull myself back together again. And this can last for days before I'm even semi functional again. There have even been times when I've been pulling myself out then the dam breaks again and knocks me down harder and longer. It sucks and it's not fair to Duke or my kids when that happens.
With this knowledge though the process is being started on what to do when this happens. It's slow tedious work and a lot of the time still the skills I've learned and try to remember to work. A lot of the time I'm finding myself wanting to be held by a mom figure telling me it's going to be okay and just being with me letting it all out...but unfortunately I don't have that so I have to try other things that take longer to work and don't last as long in keeping it fixed. I don't know how long it takes to grow up emotionally...all I know is in that department I'm still stuck as a kid and it sucks and it's embarrassing.
