I've had a lot going through my head lately. A bit ago I learned that I was pregnant with our 4th child (technically my 5th pregnancy) and I'm thrilled and excited for this child to come into our lives come spring. At the same time I'm also hesitant and terrified. Not because of the morning sickness that puts me flat on my back for weeks on end but because of the mental battle I have to go through for at least a year or more after this precious child is born.
The first part of the mental battle comes when my body starts changing. I'm not a pixie to begin with and have always gained about 60 pounds with each pregnancy ending over 200 lbs. once all said and done. This is hard for someone who has body image issues and wants so desparately to look a certain way and is STILL working on being okay with how I look. I try and teach how important it is to love yourself as you are in my boot camps and appreciate how strong your body can be if you let what you think you're supposed to look like go and embrace who you really are. It's hard though and it takes time and quite honestly I feel like I take a step back from that with each pregnancy and feel like I start over at square one. I have started that journey 4 times now and come spring it will be the 5th time and even though I come out stronger doesn't mean it's easy. There are times I want to quit and say screw everything and just not eat but of course I have 2 little girls and a little boy who are looking to me to be healthy and to lead them on a healthy path so that hopefully they won't grow up with body image problems either. I'm grateful for them for always pushing me which in turn helps me to push others when they want to quit. I'm grateful for another little girl or boy to keep giving me that push to keep pushing forward.
The second part of the mental battle is of course the depression. I've struggle with depression probably since I was 8 or 9 (along with the body image issues) and I'm not one to communicate well, even when I probably really need to. I've noticed especially since having children I've distanced myself from others because I was so tired of being dropped by those that have called me friends when they realize I'm not always happy. It makes me sad because I used to be so impulsive, fun, and rebellious and I would love to have that show through again but I'm terrified because when I get into a depression funk I know I'm not fun to be around. The only thing that seems to truly help me is to get out with my fur babies because they just understand me in a way that people never could. I'm grateful for such an awesome husband who understands this so will help me in any way he can to help me get out there with them. There are times though I wish I had a friend or mother type figure that I could come to when I'm in a funk that would help me through it and let me know that I can beat this and just let me work through my depression without judgement. I don't know if there's someone out there like that for me and if not that's cool too...I've gone 27 years getting through this on my own with just the horses and dog to help, I'm sure I can do it for the rest of my life.
I'm hoping I'll have the energy and dedication to blog/write during this pregnancy. I've been going crazy by being so sick and not eating foods that I know can help me feel better (ie Shakeology I miss it!) and not being able to exercise. Being almost 13 weeks along I'm hoping I'll feel somewhat better soon to at least start exercising. I hope to share my struggles along with my victories. I'm already 20 lbs heavier than I was before I was pregnant with my other 3 children and my angel baby but I also haven't gained any weight. I'm aiming to make this pregnancy my healthiest yet. Until next time I wish everyone well and remember, do what makes YOU happy.
