I knew when I posted my last blog post a few weeks ago I would be dropping a few bombshells by opening up. I knew what I was sharing would shock, surprise and even anger those that know me. Honestly, as I hovered over the share button with my mouse I was having a panic attack because writing down and sharing all of that stuff I've held in for almost my entire life was going against everything I had ever done. I had always pretended everything was fine and dandy with my old family life and such. However, when I clicked that share button it felt like a big weight got lifted off of me. I don't regret what I wrote and I don't regret sharing it on Facebook. In fact it felt good having a voice and standing up for myself instead of doing what I was "supposed" to do. Yes, I got some backlash from it BUT I also know that what I shared helped others and they were grateful for what I wrote. Like I said in the post, I had been wanting to write and share that blog post for YEARS...it wasn't though until I had not only my Rockstar of a husband behind me but also my therapist and my family that has taken me in behind me as well encouraging me to put what I had been through out there as one of the first steps to move on. It took me a good 2 weeks or more to write that post because there were things that still hurt so badly when I think back about them that I had to stop and take a few days to feel okay again.
I'm writing this post to not only let those that weren't very happy with me with what I shared know that I don't regret anything and I meant everything that I said...I would change nothing about what I did. But I also want to help raise awareness about emotional abuse. I've been researching a lot about emotional abuse for a while now and I know that that's what I went through to some degree. Let me clarify right now, my parents always provided the essential living needs of food and shelter for me and my siblings and they were never physically abusive. I recognize that they, as people, are wonderful, nice and have always tried to do the right thing for those around them. I want to point out though that I was emotionally abused. Be it intentional or unintentional it doesn't matter, it still happened.
One definition of emotional abuse found at healthyplace.com is "any act including confinement, isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation, infantilization, or any other treatment which may diminish the sense of identity, dignity, and self-worth". Along with that some signs of emotional abuse are: low self-esteem, show personality changes (ie becoming withdrawn), can become depressed, suicidal, or anxious. (Again the signs were found at healthyplace.com).
Yes, I experienced all of the things listed above while growing up from my family. Are they bad people? No (minus one) but to be open and honest I became all the signs listed because of how I was treated. I'm working on trying to get myself to a place to forgive my old family and I know that needs to happen so that I can truly be free of this particular burden. Please note that this emotional abuse I went through is just a piece of the depression and anxiety that I'm trying to work through.
So why am I talking about this? Because emotional abuse is very difficult to recognize. I reached out for help a few times and it felt like nobody believed me. This discouraged me more and just seemed to reaffirm in my mind that I was really a mistake and outcast in my family so why stick around? There were times that I wanted to run away for good and I constantly dreamed about what it would be like to be in a family where I felt loved and wanted. I've already explained this in my other post but you get the idea. I'm sure my family loves me, growing up though and into most of my young adulthood I was never sure. Even now with my new family that has taken me in I still struggle with actually believing that I'm wanted and loved and I constantly have to be reassured by my adopted parents that I am (thanks mom and dad :D). Emotional abuse leaves invisible scars, but they're still scars nonetheless. It doesn't mean it's not real or that it didn't happen or that you don't have the right to feel the way you do. Emotional abuse is real, it does happen and those that experience it do have a right to feel the way they do.
It's time to be open about this. The image of the perfect Mormon family has got to stop or whatever religion that the family may be. It's time to listen to those that show signs of emotional abuse that I listed above and see if that's what's going on. Remember, just because there may be no physical signs doesn't mean there's not something going on. If you have gone through emotional abuse or are going through it don't be afraid to seek help. And if you don't get the help you need the first time keep trying. I'm very, very, very slowly learning that I am worthy of love from a family, and I was always worthy of it. I still don't believe it fully but there is a tiny spot in my brain that is beginning to believe it. Again, I don't regret writing this post and sharing it because if it helps even just one person then it will have done it's job.
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