Tonight while watching an episode of NCIS there was a moment done between Ziva and Gibbs that was tender and you knew that a special father/daughter relationship had just been formed. It was those types of moments that made me fall in love with the show some 6-7 years ago and also why I still love the show today. It was those moments that I held onto and kinda lived through to try and feel the love of a father for his daughter. I craved that kind of relationship for many years (about 20 for those that like numbers) and watching those moments helped me hold onto that maybe, just maybe one day I could have the same thing or something somewhat close.
After that episode got over I just started thinking about these past 6 months. I'm not going to go into detail of what has happened but a lot has happened that I never expected would happen. But I just wanted to share a little bit of how I finally found my dad.
I remember when I was very small (like 5-6) I followed my old dad everywhere. Where he went I also went...I was very much a daddy's girl. For reasons I'm not ready to share fully yet when I was 8-9 that relationship with my old dad went away for reasons that I still feel today were my fault. Whether it was my fault or not for the past 20 years I never felt like I had a real father. I remember just wanting someone who I knew would protect me, love me, chew me out if needed, tease me, and just be there and do the things that my friends dad's did. I remember when I started watching NCIS the pain and longing I felt for tender moments like the ones Gibbs would have with Ziva or Abby. I just wanted a daddy.
Fast forward to about 6 months ago and McKaty's first cheer competition. I was nervous to drive us to Blackfoot because I wasn't sleeping well and would tend to get very, very tired in the afternoon. My bishop learned about how nervous I was and offered to take us that day. I tried very, very hard to dissuade him-telling him we had to leave really early in the morning and that it was an all day thing and that it was in Blackfoot of all places-but he insisted that it was fine and I reluctantly agreed to let him drive us. Nothing super special happened that day (I mean we were in Blackfoot...nothing happens in Blackfoot) but on the way home I was thinking about the day and how for the first time in 20 years I felt like a daughter. It took me until we were almost home for me to admit this to him. He said he was honored that I felt like that and that he was more than happy to be a fatherly type figure to me...honestly I thought that's as far as that would go. I told myself that it was awesome to have felt like a daughter that day but don't get your hopes up because it'll never happen...I was never meant to be a daughter to anyone.
After a few eventful weeks my bishop said that he and his wife think of me as their daughter and part of their family. As time went on my family and I got adopted into their family and the father/daughter relationship has grown immensely. I never realized how incomplete I felt or how much pain I was in because I felt like I didn't have a dad. I never realized how much love a dad can give to his daughter, even when she isn't technically his. I never realized how much healing a father's love can do for a daughter in immense pain and that no matter how old a daughter may be she'll always need her daddy. I never thought I would have a dad that was protective, teasing, loving, wanting me around, willing to listen to anything and everything I had to say, etc. ever in my life. I never realized how much I needed a dad in my life and I'm so glad that I now have one that now only loves and accepts me but also my husband and kids.
Thank you daddy for giving me what I've always needed and wanted. Thank you for everything you do...thank you for not giving up on me and for being there for me and my family. Just thank you (and mom too-her post will be coming sometime too). I know I'm grown but know I'll always be your little girl and that my kids, Duke, and I all love you very much.
No comments:
Post a Comment