Getting through the fog of depression

Being a mom these days comes with all sorts of challenges and pressures that weren't seen by our parents and grandparents.  It can be hard for them to relate to us as mothers to know what we're going through.  We think that we need to have perfect children, always be a happy grateful mother, get back into shape as soon as the baby is born and the list goes on.  It can put a lot on a mom....especially a new mom.

I have always struggled with depression from about 12 and on and it wasn't until after my second child was born that I actually did something about it.  I wish I would have done something about it long before because I did try and take my life in high school and the deep pit of despair that I was in is something that I don't wish upon even my worst enemies.  I remember feeling so alone and having no one to talk to because in my family you don't talk about your problems, you deal with them on your own.  It's just how it was done in our home.  This made me feel isolated and I didn't deal with it the best way.  Even to this day I struggle letting people know about how I'm feeling because I just think that they don't want to hear about it and need one more person to worry about, plus everyone has their own problems to worry about as well so I just keep everything inside.  Problem with that though it does eventually spill out and I sometimes take it out on my husband or children, and they in no way deserve that and it is something that I am working on.

I remember my lowest point that I reached was after my second child, Kenna, was born.  Little did I know that post pardum depression set in and it set in hard and fast.  If it wasn't for my husband loving me enough to push me to the doctor I wouldn't have sought help, I would have toughed it out like I did after my first child, McKaty, was born.  I felt like I wasn't good enough to be the mother of these 2 beautiful little girls, there was constant noise in my head and I couldn't get my thoughts together to make a day go smoothly.  I would seriously sit and cry all day until Duke got home when I would pull myself together and put on an act like everything was fine.  There were huge meltdowns at my kids that resulted in some holes in the walls because I just couldn't take how I was feeling anymore.  I didn't want to go outside or be around people, all I wanted to do was lay in bed by myself for the rest of my life.  I even thought about leaving because I knew that my little family would be happier without me.  I honestly felt like I was in a crowded room screaming but nobody cared and went about their business and lives.

Then I finally went to the doctor and got put on some anti depressants.  The first couple of days were pretty interesting as the meds took effect but I slowly started to feel a little better again.  I started to enjoy my children again, wanted to get outside with my animals, be around people, start exercising again and etc.  I felt a little guilty about taking anti depressants instead of just toughing it out but I am so glad that I did and looking back there's nothing to be ashamed about.  I won't lie though I was pretty happy when I was finally able to get off of them about a year after I went on them.

What I took away from that experience though was I knew what to look for the next time around.  In fact a month before Carson was born I started taking anti-depressants so that I wouldn't crash so hard again and this post-pardum has been a lot better.  I do still have some pretty down days and I still feel quite alone and I still have a hard time talking about how I am feeling.  However, instead of taking it out on my family I take it out in my workout or I try and share how I am feeling either through a blog post or another outlet on Facebook.  Instead of scrolling through the Facebook feed and seeing all those so called parenting articles (and reading them) I post that I'm having a crappy day but I know that a new day will dawn tomorrow and will be better.  Then I get off social media for like the rest of the day so that it can't pull me down any further.

Depression will always be with me but I plan on handling it better than I have in the past.  I also encourage anyone who feels like something is not right to go to the doctor and talk about it.  I know that may not sound like the most appealing thing to do but you will feel better.  Also to new moms out there, it's okay if you're not happy.  I mean honestly you've spent 9 months being pampered and all of a sudden you look like you just rolled out of bed most days and you go days at a time where you don't get out of the house.  It's hard but know that I'm here to say that you're doing an awesome job and if you need to go get help and on some anti-depressants then it's okay.  It will help so much and help you enjoy life around you so much more too.  Trust me I've been there, and some days I still am in that hole, but there is help and you are not weak in asking for it.  Our children are depending on us to mother them, so lets put our best foot forward and if we need help doing that then so be it!  Husbands help your wives see that they're not themselves, trust me you won't offend her in caring then be the listening ear that she needs even if you don't understand what she's going through.  A hug can go a long way and just a quiet night sitting next to each other helps a lot too.  Good luck to everyone out there and know that I think you're doing an awesome job in dealing with this crazy life :).

Rusty's Bridle

Back in January on the night of the 18th my dear sweet Rusty Girl passed away.  I feel very responsible for her death and it has affected me quite a bit.  When I went into my tack shed a few days later I saw her bridle and broke down into tears right there once again.  After that day I had a hard time falling asleep each night because I had so much running through my head until one night I finally got up and wrote this tribute to her and named it "Rusty's Bridle"

When I look at Rusty’s bridle I remember a leader, teacher, mentor and friend.  She was a leader because when the going got tough she would go out in front no matter what and lead the other horses and if she didn’t think something was safe then she would take you away from there.  She was a teacher because she gave and taught confidence to Easter, Mahalah, and Ranger on the trail and helped keep them calm when they got scared.  She taught them to be brave and to think things through and I can see what they have learned from her as I ride them, especially Easter and Mahalah.  Rusty also taught and gave confidence to new riders showing them that she would take care of them and how fun it is to ride.  She knew to be careful with the little ones and those who she could tell were scared, I was always especially amazed at how she treated each young rider with care.  She was a mentor for me because she showed me through the 12 years I had her that I needed to be patient with the horses still learning, and also with my children and students that I needed to have the same patience as her while they learned.  Rusty also helped me learn to become a leader and that just because you’re scared of something doesn’t mean you run but face it head on and lead others into that challenge.  She was my friend because she was always there when I needed a ride on a horse that I knew would take me one and she would listen to my problems and was once again be patient as I worked through them.  Rusty was taken too soon and I feel very guilty every day because I wasn’t out there when she needed me most and that I didn’t get her any help.  It will take me a very long time to get over this guilt and I may never get over it, but when I look at her bridle I will be reminded of what she did for me and those that she came in contact with and I will hang her bridle always in an honorable spot where I will be reminded of my Rusty Girl each and every time I go into my tack room.

My Take On Parenting Articles

I've had some things bugging me a lot lately and one of them has been parenting articles.  Honestly we as parents get bombarded with them involuntarily on social media or voluntarily by signing up for the e-mails and they always contain the same general view, "well if you're doing this then your child will end up like this...instead raise your child in this cookie cutter way and if you feel differently then you're completely wrong and shouldn't parent".  Maybe I'm wrong but that's what I get from these so called "parenting help" articles, especially from the involuntary ones posted on social media.

You may be asking the question "well Carrie if you don't like parenting articles then why do you read them?"
Here is your answer, I don't but it's very difficult while I'm scrolling down and skimming my newsfeed on Facebook to not read the title and the title very much sums up what the article is about, hence why it is called a title.

Now don't get me wrong, I've looked up specific things to help me out when I'm at an extreme loss of what to do for my children to get an IDEA of how I should handle something that comes up and I usually go to my trusty parenting.com website for what I need because that website is the least condemning to me in my opinion.  Even that website though can make me feel like I'm not doing a good job as a parent though so even though I call it my trusty website I very rarely use it.

I remember after McKaty was born I read every article I could because I was a brand new mom and she is my first child and I felt like that if I followed everything these articles told me she would turn out perfectly, boy was I wrong!  First off I breastfed McKaty for only about 6 weeks then I got Mastitis and just couldn't do it anymore.  Do you know how stressed and disheartened I felt when I had to go to straight formula with her?  Those articles has me thinking she was going to be overweight and have developmental problems because I stopped breastfeeding.  Well 4 years later she is a very healthy weight and very smart!  The parenting article didn't tell me that would happen!

Another example of how badly parenting articles affected me when McKaty was born was they said that if you want your child to fall asleep on their own and sleep through the night then don't hold them and rock them to sleep.  Four years later I wish I had taken every single chance to hold McKaty because never again will she be itty bitty like she was and I'll never be able to hold her like that again.  I'm glad I gave that one up when Kenna was born because I loved rocking Kenna to sleep and guess what....she sleeps through the night just fine and falls asleep by herself too.

Lesson learned from both McKaty and Kenna is to just ignore parenting articles!  You raise your children how you think and feel best!  If you let your child play with a phone or tablet (in moderation of course) I promise they will turn out fine.  If you want to hold and rock your baby to sleep then you go for it.  If your child doesn't potty train until 3 1/2 then don't stress about it! (McKaty was that old when she finally did).  I would go read parent blogs to let you know that your not the only one out there whose children drive you crazy or that you feel like the worst parent in the world, (find the real parent ones not the ones who claim they have a perfect life!). You parent how you know best, fix your mistakes and just remember....you turned out just fine too and if your child feels loved then you are doing a great job!

Update!

So it's been a couple of weeks since I've posted...the last one I had lost 6 pounds which was awesome!  The week after that I lost 2 more pounds and completed the Fish Lake Relay with my relay team which was also beyond awesome :).  We had so much fun and I was in so much pain the next day but it was so worth it...worth the laughs with my teams and worth the accomplishment feeling that I had after the legs I ran.  It felt so good that I was able to complete something that I had been training for a long time to do.  So I had accomplished my goal that week of just having fun at my relay and getting ready for it.

After the relay my family and I headed up to Star Valley for a few days.  My goal here was to just not gain any weight and to keep to my carb-cycling.  I did just that!  Even with a trip to the Bar J Wranglers and their Chuck Wagon dinner and I didn't gain any weight during that whole trip which is a hard thing to do as we all know it's hard to practice self-control while on vacation and eat everything that looks beyond yummy.  So I was just happy that I stuck to what I planned on eating and got up and did my 9-minute missions on the days that they were scheduled for my exercises!

This past week my goal was to drink at least a half gallon of water everyday.  This was very hard to do but I did it and now my body definately knows and tells me if I haven't drank that much water!  This past week was also my slingshot week as it's called in my book so I had a high carb day everyday and I still didn't drop any weight but that's ok because I go back to my carb cycle next week and should drop some weight especially now that I'm adding the interval training to my exercise routine.

This next week my goal is to lose at least one pound and push myself as hard as I can during my exercises.  I tend to slack and not give it my all when I don't feel like doing them but not this week I'm going to take on those exercises head on!

I've had so much fun going on this personal transformation journey!  It has made me a bit more outgoing and not take myself so seriously.  It also has really shown me that I'm me and I don't have to try and me like anything that I don't want to be to make someone else happy and what not.  For so long I've lived in a way where I've felt so judged by people and judged myself so harshly that no matter what accomplishment I did just never felt good enough.  But I'm working on being me and being proud of it and teaching my girls the same thing.  So until next week good luck to all on your endeavors!

6 pounds gone!

Hello everyone!

I know I'm late on getting this blog post out...I ran out of time on Friday to write it but hey at least I'm getting it out for people to read now...better late than never!

So this past week I lost 6 pounds and I'm pretty dang proud of it.  It was hard but I had a single goal that I just focused on and the result was the 6 pounds lost.  My goal was to get up and work out 5 days a week at 6:45 am.  This was hard for me because I am NOT a morning person whatsoever but I set out and accomplished my goal and now I am feeling GREAT about it.  By Friday morning I was sore and I really didn't want to get out of my bed but I'm sure glad I did because not gonna lie I would have felt like a huge failure so good thing I did!

I also also kept to my carb-cycling schedule and that also helped with losing the 6 pounds.  I really think that was what had me lose 6 pounds because before I started the carb-cycling I was eating chocolate everyday, ate a bowl of cereal everyday and ate bread like there was no tomorrow.  After those things were cut out from being everyday to moderation then I was able to lose that high number that I did and even though sticking to my carb-cycling schedule wasn't my goal for the week I still wanted to do it and I did and I felt great throughout the week with more energy which also had it so I moved more doing more things.

My next goal this week is to get ready and prepared for my relay that is coming up on Saturday.  Prepared both mentally and physically because it will be the longest I've ever run before in my life!  I'm excited to take on this challenge and to let all know how well I do next week and how much weight I lose this next week.  So until next time everyone have a happy healthy week!

New Title? What?????

So my hundred day challenge ended on the 8th of August and to be perfectly honest it didn't go how I wanted it to and I also did a terrible job at keeping this updated!  So I changed the title of my fitness blog to what it is now because I decided I was going about losing weight way totally wrong!  I hadn't realized I was going about it the wrong way until I decided to order Chris Powell's book "Choose More To Lose More".  For those who don't know who Chris Powell is and his wife Heidi I will explain.  Chris does a show on ABC called Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition where he and his wife help one overly obese person lose weight over the course of a year.  But the thing is they aren't there to just help them lose weight....they help them transform and love themselves so that no matter what failures and hiccups happen along the way (because they do happen to all of us!) it doesn't tear them down and they don't go back to the way they used to be.

So that description is pretty much a nutshell description but you get the idea.  So that's how he wrote his book.  He didn't even start telling how to lose weight until the later chapters...his first chapters explain how important it is to set achieveable goals and do only what you know before you can do so that you don't get disappointed right away from not reaching the goals you set for yourself because when you don't reach them you get discourged and usually end up quitting.  So I followed his instructions and picked one of his really easy goals to do and I started on that end first before getting into the diet and exercise part and during the week I did 15 pushups, sit ups, and squats and during that week I realized that I can do that and I did it! It gave me a huge confidence boost and now I am set on doing this for me and transforming me! I set specific goals and on my way to attaining them! I'm doing carb-cycling and the exercise routines that are set out in Chris's book! I can't wait for my first weigh in on Friday morning and I will let all who read my blog know how my week went on Friday!  Happy healthy week all!

21 Days and Counting!

These past 2 weeks have gone quite well for me.  I feel better about myself and I seemed to handle life's daily challenges to not affect me as much as that first week of the challenge.  All of that in itself is a big accomplishment for me because since having my second child it just seemed like me stress and anxiety level got put up on high alert and never came down until I  got onto anti depressants and even then it's taken months for it to come down!  However I think with winter now gone and ALL of us being able to get outside and play and get some real vitamin D into our systems has helped tremendously bring that stress and anxiety level down.  However I do get onto that high level once in a while but I think that just comes with being a mom and feeling some days that I don't have a life. LOL.

However, I am pleased to announce that I did lose a pound over the course of the last week and it made me very happy.  I know I shouldn't judge my happiness on a scale number but I mean come on it does help my happiness to see that scale go to 164 instead of 165, and that just means I'm normal (what is normal anyway these days right?)  Not only did I lose a pound off my body but I seemed to lose a pound of my bad self-body image.  Whenever I seemed to think of myself in a not healthy way I would just say to myself "Carrie stop and remember how you got to think like that yourself and do you want your girls to grow up never being satisfied with themselves?"  Kinda corny I know but it worked!  Took huge pressure off of me to eat healthy because all of a sudden it was for my girls.  From that stemmed healthier choices and STOPPING and thinking before I grabbed something to eat.  Before I would eat something that I didn't have written down I would think to myself "Am I really hungry or am I just thirsty or upset?".  This helped tremendously with the overeating along with my written food journal which I'm not super consistent on but it does help me put my hunger feelings down on paper were I can read them and say "wow I really am full!" Kinda lame I know but hey I'm 1 pound lighter remember?

I also accomplished a huge and terrifying goal for me last night too!  See I always go running whenever I can but it's always at night because that is just how my schedule works out and I have been wanting for weeks run up the Fish Hatchery Hill.  For those who don't know what that is, it's a decent size hill that's medium steepness that leads up to the Fish Hatchery.  I don't know how long it is but by the top one is usually huffing and puffing.  So I decided to run up this hill even though it was 9:00 at night and getting pretty dark.  I grabbed my head lamp, phone, and Joey (my dog) and went off.  As I turned to start going up the hill I have my doubts about making it up all the way because as a young kid I could never make it up to the top.  I remember trying once or twice with my bike and I even tried walking up it once also but never made it because I was a bigger kid and very out of shape and was always self concious about it.  So as I started running up the hill I tell myself that if I start feeling like I'm going to completely die then I'll just run to the next post and walk.  Well the dying moment never came and I made it to the top of the hill and was just fine! It was one of those moments when you have bad memories of a place and then you accomplish something that totally wipes out how you feel about that memory, that's the expeirience I had and on the way back down I just couldn't help smiling because I felt so good about myself and I've realized how far I've come.

I'm looking forward to this summer and all the things that I'll get to do with my family and for myself.  This next weeks goals are just going to be keep working on the high stress and just to have fun!  When I'm not worrying about everything and just have fun that's when I have the most success.  Oh and I'm also going to try and lose one more pound. So until next time, always work hard and see what you can do!