My Daddy

Tonight while watching an episode of NCIS there was a moment done between Ziva and Gibbs that was tender and you knew that a special father/daughter relationship had just been formed.  It was those types of moments that made me fall in love with the show some 6-7 years ago and also why I still love the show today.  It was those moments that I held onto and kinda lived through to try and feel the love of a father for his daughter.  I craved that kind of relationship for many years (about 20 for those that like numbers) and watching those moments helped me hold onto that maybe, just maybe one day I could have the same thing or something somewhat close.

After that episode got over I just started thinking about these past 6 months.  I'm not going to go into detail of what has happened but a lot has happened that I never expected would happen.  But I just wanted to share a little bit of how I finally found my dad.  

I remember when I was very small (like 5-6) I followed my old dad everywhere.  Where he went I also went...I was very much a daddy's girl.  For reasons I'm not ready to share fully yet when I was 8-9 that relationship with my old dad went away for reasons that I still feel today were my fault.  Whether it was my fault or not for the past 20 years I never felt like I had a real father.  I remember just wanting someone who I knew would protect me, love me, chew me out if needed, tease me, and just be there and do the things that my friends dad's did.  I remember when I started watching NCIS the pain and longing I felt for tender moments like the ones Gibbs would have with Ziva or Abby. I just wanted a daddy.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago and McKaty's first cheer competition.  I was nervous to drive us to Blackfoot because I wasn't sleeping well and would tend to get very, very tired in the afternoon.  My bishop learned about how nervous I was and offered to take us that day.  I tried very, very hard to dissuade him-telling him we had to leave really early in the morning and that it was an all day thing and that it was in Blackfoot of all places-but he insisted that it was fine and I reluctantly agreed to let him drive us.  Nothing super special happened that day (I mean we were in Blackfoot...nothing happens in Blackfoot) but on the way home I was thinking about the day and how for the first time in 20 years I felt like a daughter.  It took me until we were almost home for me to admit this to him.  He said he was honored that I felt like that and that he was more than happy to be a fatherly type figure to me...honestly I thought that's as far as that would go.  I told myself that it was awesome to have felt like a daughter that day but don't get your hopes up because it'll never happen...I was never meant to be a daughter to anyone.

After a few eventful weeks my bishop said that he and his wife think of me as their daughter and part of their family.  As time went on my family and I got adopted into their family and the father/daughter relationship has grown immensely.  I never realized how incomplete I felt or how much pain I was in because I felt like I didn't have a dad.  I never realized how much love a dad can give to his daughter, even when she isn't technically his.  I never realized how much healing a father's love can do for a daughter in immense pain and that no matter how old a daughter may be she'll always need her daddy.  I never thought I would have a dad that was protective, teasing, loving, wanting me around, willing to listen to anything and everything I had to say, etc. ever in my life.  I never realized how much I needed a dad in my life and I'm so glad that I now have one that now only loves and accepts me but also my husband and kids.

Thank you daddy for giving me what I've always needed and wanted.  Thank you for everything you do...thank you for not giving up on me and for being there for me and my family.  Just thank you (and mom too-her post will be coming sometime too).  I know I'm grown but know I'll always be your little girl and that my kids, Duke, and I all love you very much.

Choices

*Please understand that I am not complaining about being pregnant and feel totally grateful that I am.  This is a hard phase in life for all women and we deserve to vent and express our feelings as well.

The third trimester of pregnancy is an exciting one and a hard one.  On one hand me meeting this new little person growing in me is getting SOOOO close and I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl!  Plus snuggling a newborn is seriously one of the best things EVER and my older kids are excited to meet their new sibling as well (especially my girls).  It's hard though because I'm carrying around a watermelon sized belly, I can't bend over, I get winded getting up, and my hormones are making me crazy.  Seriously crazy.  I swear every little thing bothers me to the point I can't let it go and I seriously want to burn all the clutter in my house whether it's important or not because I have spring fever AND I'm starting to nest.  Top that with not being able to exercise everyday and watching the scale hit 206 lbs (ya that happened today).  I seriously had my plan to exercise during this entire pregnancy but as life has it that was not meant to be.  I go for a walk to get some Vitamin D when I'm feeling decent but after said walk I'm seriously down and out for like 3 days puking.  If you know me and how I love to be active you know that this is hard for me! 

Body image hardships are cropping up as well.  I hate knowing how much I weigh and I hate how much I let it get to me.  I seriously feel like a whale even though this has been my healthiest pregnancy to date.  I know that I'm supposed to gain weight and such but I certainly don't have to be happy about it (although I'm very happy for a healthy baby).  Feeling sick and huge can really have a hard effect on a persons mental status, even if they've been working on getting it to a better place.  There are days that I wish I could just cry and watch my favorite TV shows but I can't do that because it won't help me feel better.  Not only that but it doesn't send out the message I want to my kids for when things are tough.  I want them to know that it's okay to feel bad/mad/frustrated etc. but try and find a way out of it.  For me it'll be when I can work out without puking at the end of it and sleeping on my stomach (seriously).  I have to be patient for those things and until then I can try and find things that help me feel better. 

We all have a choice.  We can feel bad for the circumstances that we're in and how hard things are and stay in that frame of mind OR we can accept what we're going through, see what we can and can't change then work on what we can change to make our circumstances better.  For me I try to get out each day to smell my horses, the hay and give my dog a hug...does it always happen-no and on those days there are things that come up that are out of my control.

Being 206 lbs. (and however much I end up weighing before this bundle gets here) doesn't define me.  I can still work on being as healthy as I can and encourage my kids to be healthy as well.  I can still plan my meals/snacks, provide healthy snacks and meals for my kids, go outside with them, rest when my body tells me to rest, and exercise when my body tells me it can handle some.  I'm not perfect and there will be days that I cry and say that I quit but I've learned that it's okay to have an hour, 2 hours, or a whole day like that...as long as I don't let it grow into a week, month, year, etc.  I'm ready to live life...I'm not going to let life run me.

Running on empty and more

*In this post I am not complaining, I'm merely trying to express my raw emotions and experiences of day to day motherhood life.  Also, I did not consume an entire bag of chocolate chips and was interrupted maybe a dozen times.

I'm currently hiding from all mom duties right now and shoving chocolate chips into my mouth.  I turned on the evil TV and if I had the conscious I would leave it on all day for them, but I'm not because I promised a trip to the library even though I know it will be exhausting and I'm just hoping I won't have a breakdown there in public because I've already had some of those this year and it's embarrassing for sure.  I'm trying to gear up for an entire 2 days without a break from my kids a week earlier than I had planned on and hoping I can make it.

I'm broken, I'm exhausted, I'm done.  There was a time when I had people my own age text me about fun things going on and they wanted me to join...now my days are filled with trying to make tiny people share toys, talk nicely and well just trying to teach them how to be people.  If I had a project in front of me that needed to be accomplished or a goal I wanted to achieve I could do it without interruption and now I tell these tiny beings that I need just an hour to work and that they can watch these shows or a movie so I can get some time in without interruption and all of a sudden that show/movie isn't interesting enough or someone is touching someone else or whatever else they can suddenly think of that I have to stop and take care of.

I love my children, I really honestly do and I'm grateful to have them.  They're funny, loving and really honestly up to do anything.  Their excitement for life is contagious and I love being able to stay home with them, even on the hard days.  I mean heck I've been doing this stay at home mom thing for six and a half years and honestly would not give it up for anything.  In fact I love my kids so much that I wanted another and I'm blessed to be able to do that...I am truly grateful for each of my 3 (soon to be 4) children each day, but I won't lie becoming a mother has taken a huge toll on me for sure.

Backstory time: I got married at 19 and I don't regret that decision one bit.  Honestly my husband is a rock star.  He puts up with me, my craziness, the craziness at home and has worked hard so that I can stay home.  I love being married and no regrets on getting married young either.  We had our first child young, I was just barely 21 when our oldest daughter was born.  I don't regret having her young either but I wish someone had told me how hard bringing home a baby was and how I was going to have to find myself again.  I was lost, depressed (which wasn't talked about either), thought I was doing everything wrong (thanks social media), and was seriously worried I was messing up this kid.  I was incredibly lonely because out of everyone that we hung out with we were the first to have a baby and all of a sudden we couldn't do anything anymore and the invitations stopped.  I especially felt isolated because I didn't go to school any longer or work as a lifeguard.  I lost all sense of purpose and seriously considered giving my baby up to adoption because I wanted my old life back of being able to do what I wanted when I wanted.  I kept all these things to myself because I didn't have any friends left to talk to, my husband was working his tail off to support us, and even if I was brave enough to talk to someone I didn't want them to think I was ungrateful and crazy. 

Obviously I didn't give up my baby and she is now a happy and sassy 6 year old girl with a younger sister and brother.  I did find a sense of purpose after she was born in the form of working out and basically working on myself to get healthier.  It gave me direction and a goal and I loved seeing how far I could push myself, however with each pregnancy and birth keeping up with my goals and myself has gotten harder.  I battle pretty severe post partum depression that started as early as the 3rd trimester with my son and that makes it hard to basically see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially in the newborn baby stage.  Add that to my internal drive and desire to want to achieve all my dreams and goals I'm literally driven insane some days, especially since (once again) I have absolutely nobody to talk to.  I'm afraid of driving people away because that is what has happened in the past.  I don't want to put more stress and pressure onto my hubby because he has enough of that with work and I can't exercise as hard as I would like to at the moment because well, I'm pregnant. In the past I used to go horse riding when I could but that one is kind of hard when it's December with ice and snow....I would rather not fall off one of my horses from an accidental slip and I don't want to put them in any danger either.  For the past few weeks I've literally stayed inside and just been mom.  Nothing really to look forward to and no one to talk to (besides a 6,4 and 2 year old).  I swear someone is always crying and touching me and even though I'm past the extreme morning sickness stage I still don't feel good and my house is a complete and total disaster that I swear I will never catch up on.  My kids want me to play and do things with them and I just want them away from me because I want a few minutes to veg out or to get some minimal work done towards my business goals so that one day we can hang out. 

I want to be successful in my passion, I just can't right now.  I'm not sure what the balance is because I know of moms who have become successful with kids at home and I honestly try to do what they do by setting "business hours" at home and sticking to them however 9 times out of 10 it's seriously not possible to stick to them.  I want a friend that I can at least text all the time that I don't have to worry about driving away because they think I'm a nut and that we can share inside jokes with.   I want to be that fun mom that has a ton of fun with her kids and is able to teach them how to be good hard working people in a loving way and that they'll never be afraid to come to when they have a question or a problem.  I want some of my spontaneity back that I used to have because believe it or not I was fun and a bit of a trouble maker back in the day.  All of this is inside that wants to get out but I don't know how to let it out.  This is the season of my life and right now I'm trying really hard to accept that right now I need to just be a mom, and it's hard because it is a thankless job that is not for weak.  One day I'll be able to get my work done for the day without a million interruptions and be successful in all that I want to do, just wish at the moment I could find that balance that works for me and run with it.

The 5th pregnancy

I've had a lot going through my head lately.   A bit ago I learned that I was pregnant with our 4th child (technically my 5th pregnancy) and I'm thrilled and excited for this child to come into our lives come spring.  At the same time I'm also hesitant and terrified.  Not because of the morning sickness that puts me flat on my back for weeks on end but because of the mental battle I have to go through for at least a year or more after this precious child is born.

The first part of the mental battle comes when my body starts changing.  I'm not a pixie to begin with and have always gained about 60 pounds with each pregnancy ending over 200 lbs. once all said and done.  This is hard for someone who has body image issues and wants so desparately to look a certain way and is STILL working on being okay with how I look.  I try and teach how important it is to love yourself as you are in my boot camps and appreciate how strong your body can be if you let what you think you're supposed to look like go and embrace who you really are.  It's hard though and it takes time and quite honestly I feel like I take a step back from that with each pregnancy and feel like I start over at square one.  I have started that journey 4 times now and come spring it will be the 5th time and even though I come out stronger doesn't mean it's easy.  There are times I want to quit and say screw everything and just not eat but of course I have 2 little girls and a little boy who are looking to me to be healthy and to lead them on a healthy path so that hopefully they won't grow up with body image problems either.  I'm grateful for them for always pushing me which in turn helps me to push others when they want to quit.  I'm grateful for another little girl or boy to keep giving me that push to keep pushing forward.

The second part of the mental battle is of course the depression.  I've struggle with depression probably since I was 8 or 9 (along with the body image issues) and I'm not one to communicate well, even when I probably really need to.  I've noticed especially since having children I've distanced myself from others because I was so tired of being dropped by those that have called me friends when they realize I'm not always happy.  It makes me sad because I used to be so impulsive, fun, and rebellious and I would love to have that show through again but I'm terrified because when I get into a depression funk I know I'm not fun to be around.  The only thing that seems to truly help me is to get out with my fur babies because they just understand me in a way that people never could.  I'm grateful for such an awesome husband who understands this so will help me in any way he can to help me get out there with them.  There are times though I wish I had a friend or mother type figure that I could come to when I'm in a funk that would help me through it and let me know that I can beat this and just let me work through my depression without judgement.  I don't know if there's someone out there like that for me and if not that's cool too...I've gone 27 years getting through this on my own with just the horses and dog to help, I'm sure I can do it for the rest of my life.

I'm hoping I'll have the energy and dedication to blog/write during this pregnancy.  I've been going crazy by being so sick and not eating foods that I know can help me feel better (ie Shakeology I miss it!) and not being able to exercise.  Being almost 13 weeks along I'm hoping I'll feel somewhat better soon to at least start exercising.  I hope to share my struggles along with my victories.  I'm already 20 lbs heavier than I was before I was pregnant with my other 3 children and my angel baby but I also haven't gained any weight.  I'm aiming to make this pregnancy my healthiest yet.  Until next time I wish everyone well and remember, do what makes YOU happy.

Anxiety and Stress? Who Needs That?

Stress and Anxiety....why do they have to go hand in hand and why do they have to be part of my everyday life?

Well I don't know the answer to that but for me personally it's something I'm trying to overcome just as many other people.  I'm learning time management which helps it but also makes it worse at times because if a day isn't going as it should or what not I tend to fall apart.  So along with time management I'm also learning that it's okay if I don't get everything on my list done right then and that the world won't end!  This is hard for my brain because I do like having a schedule and knowing when things are and such, however my brain is starting to accept bumps in the schedule as well.

To help change my mindset (when my schedule get's thrown off I go into stress/anxiety mode which then leads to negative self talk which isn't good for anybody) I decided to do an exercise I heard off of one my business trainings that I listened to.  I wrote down everything that I "thought" was wrong with me.  So for example: I'm ugly, I'm a terrible mom, I'm not smart, I can't lead, etc.  After I did that I then went through and wrote down the opposite on some card stock so: I'm beautiful, I'm an awesome mom, I'm smart, I can lead, etc.  Next I'll be hanging these up (probably in my room so that my beautiful 17 month old son won't tear them down :) ) and when I start to get stressed and go into that negative mindset I'll go and start walking around and saying these positive affirmations!  I've already done this once or twice and I won't lie, I felt pretty dumb but I felt better!  Plus I love the example I'm setting for my daughters and my son!

Why not give it a try?  What do you have to lose?  This was our week 3 homework in the boot camp and I haven't asked my ladies yet if they've done it, so I'll be making a note to do that lol, gotta love mom brain right?  If you give it a try and do it for a month or so let me know how it's changed you, then pay it forward and give someone else this tip that you think could use it :).  Until next time my awesome readers remember, you are worth it and we only get to live life once so don't live it stressed out and angry!

My Fear Zone

I am not the best person to keep records which has always been something I want to do better, so here I go!

Since the last blog post I have started a boot camp called Empower8 Boot Camp.  In the boot camp I try and help those in it to see themselves as strong, beautiful women who have so much potential.  I try and help see past numbers on the scale or pants sizes and let them see that everyone's healthy is completely different!  One way I try and help is in the folder they receive are "homework" assignments to help them reflect during the week and those that have taken my class more than once and have actually done them have said that it helps them a lot!  This most recent round I decided to do them with my ladies and of course I let life get in the way and got behind.  However, I'm now going to get caught up and really try and set aside just 15 minutes each week to accomplish them.

The first two is dealing with fears...we first write them down and then see what one's we don't have control over and what ones we do have control over.  We let go of the one's we don't have control over and focus on getting control back on the one's we do have control of.  Here is the list of my fears:

1- Failing my clients:  Either my Beachbody clients or my Boot Camp clients I'm always worried that I'm not doing enough.  That I'm not providing them with enough support or tools to help them reach their goals, especially if they drop out of my Boot Camp or an at home program.  I always put 110% into all that I do for others but I have to realize that they may all not be ready.  I'm learning to not take this one personally and honestly I don't have control of what people do!  All I can do is be there for them when they are ready and to ALWAYS be their friend no matter what.  I've started focusing on being their friend and supporting them in whatever they're doing-that is how I'm handling this uncontrollable fear.

2-Failing my family:  During this past year I've really been pushing to build 2 business'.  A Beachbody and the Boot Camp.  They are separate but still go hand in hand and in the middle of all that I'm also a wife, mother, primary teacher, and animal mom.  Business building takes A LOT of time, which makes it hard on the family.  I'm scared that my kids will feel abandoned, that all of my family will just get so fed up with how the house gets (it gets neglected at times), and I'm worried my animals will feel abandoned.  I feel like I can control this fear because I can set business hours for when I'm working and when I need to be wife/mom.  I've been trying a lot of different ways to do this and feel like I'm almost there...just still needs a few more tweaks to get it just right. Then summer will hit and I'll have to start all over again lol.  I do know though that my family does support me in all that I'm doing and that I am doing my very best to "do it all", I just have to remind myself of that as well.

3-Not building and maintaining relationships with family and friends:  Relationships have always been hard for me.  Growing up I didn't have a great relationship with my parents or siblings which in turn has made it hard for me to let others get to know me.  I've been really trying this past year especially to be open and out there, especially for my kids.  I DO NOT want them to grow up feeling like they don't have a cheerleader or someone who will listen no matter what they did.  I do have a short temper BUT I have told them and will always tell them that if they ever need to talk to me about anything to let me know.  A lot of personal development in this department is in store for me but I'm bound and determined to have awesome relationships with everyone I help or will have the pleasure of helping and most of all my husband, kids, and God.  This fear I can control what I do on my end of the relationship but I need to let go of what happens with the other person because happiness starts with me and NOT someone else.

These are the first two weeks worth of "homework" that we've done as a boot camp class.  I encourage all who read this to do the same!  I'm planning on working on week 3 later today so I can post about it tomorrow.  Until then though my readers, know that you are beautiful, strong and important...there is no one out there that is like you so be the best you possible :).

Getting through the fog of depression

Being a mom these days comes with all sorts of challenges and pressures that weren't seen by our parents and grandparents.  It can be hard for them to relate to us as mothers to know what we're going through.  We think that we need to have perfect children, always be a happy grateful mother, get back into shape as soon as the baby is born and the list goes on.  It can put a lot on a mom....especially a new mom.

I have always struggled with depression from about 12 and on and it wasn't until after my second child was born that I actually did something about it.  I wish I would have done something about it long before because I did try and take my life in high school and the deep pit of despair that I was in is something that I don't wish upon even my worst enemies.  I remember feeling so alone and having no one to talk to because in my family you don't talk about your problems, you deal with them on your own.  It's just how it was done in our home.  This made me feel isolated and I didn't deal with it the best way.  Even to this day I struggle letting people know about how I'm feeling because I just think that they don't want to hear about it and need one more person to worry about, plus everyone has their own problems to worry about as well so I just keep everything inside.  Problem with that though it does eventually spill out and I sometimes take it out on my husband or children, and they in no way deserve that and it is something that I am working on.

I remember my lowest point that I reached was after my second child, Kenna, was born.  Little did I know that post pardum depression set in and it set in hard and fast.  If it wasn't for my husband loving me enough to push me to the doctor I wouldn't have sought help, I would have toughed it out like I did after my first child, McKaty, was born.  I felt like I wasn't good enough to be the mother of these 2 beautiful little girls, there was constant noise in my head and I couldn't get my thoughts together to make a day go smoothly.  I would seriously sit and cry all day until Duke got home when I would pull myself together and put on an act like everything was fine.  There were huge meltdowns at my kids that resulted in some holes in the walls because I just couldn't take how I was feeling anymore.  I didn't want to go outside or be around people, all I wanted to do was lay in bed by myself for the rest of my life.  I even thought about leaving because I knew that my little family would be happier without me.  I honestly felt like I was in a crowded room screaming but nobody cared and went about their business and lives.

Then I finally went to the doctor and got put on some anti depressants.  The first couple of days were pretty interesting as the meds took effect but I slowly started to feel a little better again.  I started to enjoy my children again, wanted to get outside with my animals, be around people, start exercising again and etc.  I felt a little guilty about taking anti depressants instead of just toughing it out but I am so glad that I did and looking back there's nothing to be ashamed about.  I won't lie though I was pretty happy when I was finally able to get off of them about a year after I went on them.

What I took away from that experience though was I knew what to look for the next time around.  In fact a month before Carson was born I started taking anti-depressants so that I wouldn't crash so hard again and this post-pardum has been a lot better.  I do still have some pretty down days and I still feel quite alone and I still have a hard time talking about how I am feeling.  However, instead of taking it out on my family I take it out in my workout or I try and share how I am feeling either through a blog post or another outlet on Facebook.  Instead of scrolling through the Facebook feed and seeing all those so called parenting articles (and reading them) I post that I'm having a crappy day but I know that a new day will dawn tomorrow and will be better.  Then I get off social media for like the rest of the day so that it can't pull me down any further.

Depression will always be with me but I plan on handling it better than I have in the past.  I also encourage anyone who feels like something is not right to go to the doctor and talk about it.  I know that may not sound like the most appealing thing to do but you will feel better.  Also to new moms out there, it's okay if you're not happy.  I mean honestly you've spent 9 months being pampered and all of a sudden you look like you just rolled out of bed most days and you go days at a time where you don't get out of the house.  It's hard but know that I'm here to say that you're doing an awesome job and if you need to go get help and on some anti-depressants then it's okay.  It will help so much and help you enjoy life around you so much more too.  Trust me I've been there, and some days I still am in that hole, but there is help and you are not weak in asking for it.  Our children are depending on us to mother them, so lets put our best foot forward and if we need help doing that then so be it!  Husbands help your wives see that they're not themselves, trust me you won't offend her in caring then be the listening ear that she needs even if you don't understand what she's going through.  A hug can go a long way and just a quiet night sitting next to each other helps a lot too.  Good luck to everyone out there and know that I think you're doing an awesome job in dealing with this crazy life :).